Rocky’s spring program was last night… *wipes away a tear* My baby’s first spring program! Of course it was just unbearably cute!
Afterwards, we (tom, me, boys) went to Perkins for supper. I talked to Tom on a deeper level than I should have and ended up feeling ooogie. Completely by habit, I told him about something important that had happened to me and regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. It would have ended up being okay, but then we discussed it further. Would have been much easier if he’d just nodded and listened, and in fact if he wanted to be devious, he could have just listened and let me put my foot in my mouth and used it against me later. Who knows, maybe he will anyway. Then he’s like, “Well, now that I’ve done irreparable damage, I’m going to shut up.” I didn’t say anything to that. I was too busy mentally kicking myself for sharing too much. I need to just shut up.
Offered to have him get out of the house tonight. He said, “I don’t have a life. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anyone to go with.” Well, dammit, I do. I mentioned a few people and he shot it all down. “He’s married. He’s working. They’re just going to go get drunk.” Maybe HE needs to just go get drunk. Okay, so he isn’t interested in getting out of the house. But if I am, then he will use that against me later. “You just go out with your friends while I’m stuck at home with the kids.” Well, dammit, I offered, and he declined. To me, that revokes his bitching rights.
My biggest conflict in my life right now is this: I do not want to hurt Tom. I want to be happy. BUT far as I can see, if I am happy, then Tom will be hurt. BUT (AGAIN)… My life, right now, is not reality. I am so anxious to get into my own place, bcus that will show me reality of life on my own, not seeing Tom every day, only having my boys 50% of the time, managing my own finances (broke broke broke), etc. Then I can honestly be better equipped to make the decision of whether or not I want to share my life with Tom again. I will be able to compare life on my own, to life with Tom, and say to myself, “Where do I find happiness?”
I’m in limbo now. It sucks, but it has its perks.
Just talked to Tom on the phone and he asked what I was doing tonight. I said I didn’t know yet. He said that if I didn’t find anything to do, then he’d like to try to find something to do. Which puts the ball right back in my court. So it can be my fault later when we get in an argument. People areound here (work) don’t start talking about what they’re doing after work until late afternoon, so I don’t even know if any of my friends are going out yet. Ppplllbbbttttttttttt.
Current Music: Lifehouse – Hanging by a moment
Current Mood: contemplative
here it is thursday. MW shut us off on monday night. I think I’m upset mostly bcus of the rejection. the other couple times we ended up not speaking it was bcus I had said something like, “should we not interact then?” expecting him to say, “no, we’re fine” and instead he was like, “maybe that’d be best”. but this time, it was his idea. and he said he was gonna tell me on friday but didn’t want to ruin my weekend in michigan. I s’pose that was nice of him, but I’m annoyed by that for some reason. it’s upsetting to see him come and go on my jabber list. i’ve just got to get over that. I have to remember how much simpler my life is going to be to figure out without him in the equation. it’s more fair to tom that he not be in the picture. it’s better for me also to be strong on my own. I don’t need him there for me, but he was nice to rest on. he’s a great listener. but sure not a great talker. all evasive or giving me answers he thinks I want to hear. and if we were together, it wouldn’t take long for him to find someone else to be with. and not only would there be an ex-wife to deal with, but an ex-girlfriend too, who works with him. what the hell was I thinking even getting messed up in that! DUH! I was getting all detached from him, then monday night he had to pull that shit, and we always want what we can’t have. I need to keep working on detaching myself from him. I need to keep reminding myself of “regularly. not quite daily”. That works REALLY well.
Current Music: None
Current Mood: None
Last night I got the pics off my camera and my dad’s camera from The Seester’s graduation weekend. Then I watched “Two Weeks Notice” and was asleep by 10. I didn’t go over to Tom’s at all last night, and when I picked up the kids this morning, he seemed mad at me. I can’t do anything about it, so I won’t be bothered by it. Yeah, right.
Current Music: work chatter in the background
Current Mood: discontent
I had mentioned to Tom last night that “Two Weeks Notice” just came out on DVD and I wanted to pick that up. This morning I went out to my car and found it sitting on the driver’s seat. Must be the DVD fairy visiting me!
Current Music: None
Current Mood: mellow
I ended up leaving work at noon yesterday. I went home, ordered a pizza and watched a movie w/stepbro, J; then took a 3 hour nap. I went over to tom’s and played with the boys. Watched tv w/tom. With all the excitement from the past weekend in Michigan, I got off my meds and my depression too quickly became a little more than I could handle. I guess sometimes you just gotta cry.
By mutual decision, and for its own good, one of my friendships has been halted. I’m so sad about it, but really, it’s just one less thing to complicate my life, I guess. But that had a definate hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
I am so thankful for my friends. At least 2-3 times a day, someone either calls, or stops by my desk, or IM’s; just to say, “are you doing ok?” I’ve been separated from Tom since 02/08/2003; almost 3 months. In some ways, it’s gotten easier. In some ways, it’s gotten harder. I have such a conflict in my heart about what I need to do to be happy. Ooof, that’s too much to think about now. We’ll explore that more later.
Got a letter from the IRS that they’re sending our tax refund to the Iowa Student Aid Commission. Bastards. Tom called them and asked if the IRS would do that, and they said no, since we’ve made 11 good payments, they wouldn’t do that. So now I have to write a letter of appeal to the IRS to get my refund. That was s’posed to be my earnest money to make my bid on that house this week. Rat bastards. That definItely also had a hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
Well, Sparky (my fish here at work) says that it’s time for me to get to work. He’s always been a bit of a spoilsport. But he’s right, I guess.
Further updates as events warrant…. :o)
Current Music: Avril Lavigne
Current Mood: melancholy
Thanks to sissie for setting me up!
I’m not gonna write much to start out with. Too depressed today. My life makes no stinkin’ sense whatsoever, and I don’t know why I have the nerve to act surprised.
Current Music: work chatter in the background
Current Mood:: depressed