zzzzzzzzzzz THUD *head hitting the keyboard*

I -still- have this cold. I’m SO tired. I took nyquil last night and -still- woke up 3 times. am I going to die from the common cold? has that already been done? I ache all over. yes, I’m whining. I think I’m entitled.

i didn’t get around to writing yesterday. was so busy working. so this weekend was good. friday night the boys stayed at gramma A’s and tom and I went to dinner, and then shopping at kohl’s, and then to see “down with love”. kohl’s had some great sales and I got some good deals. I went just to pick up one pair of pants. I left with 3 pairs of pants and 4 shirts and a cute little sweater. I wanted some pants that I didn’t, like, swim in. so I bought some 5/6’s and gave some of my 10’s and 12’s to Stepmomster. also gave her 4 suits. I was going to sell them on eBay, but her and dad have been so cool and have not made me pay rent. the pants are what I like to call “hot pants” LOL they are snug at the waist, hips, and thighs then slightly flare down and they’re kinda stretchy polyester. “down with love” was a really cute movie. it’s got renee zellweger and ewen mcg-something in it. total chick flick, but tom didn’t hate it. then saturday I slept in until 9:30 and then went garage sale-ing with Nanner and Fiona. found MORE pants for work, a shirt for 50 cents with the tags still on it, and a extra large family size george forman grill brand new still in the box for $30!!! then I went to michelle’s sister’s batchelor party. they rented, and filled up, a 15 passenger van with drunken women. At the fifth bar, I decided I had had enough fun and called for a ride home. I think I’m getting too old to shut down the bars. :o)

this afternoon I have counseling with tom. last time by the time I got there I had worked myself into a pretty good anxiety attack. or at least a conniption. why? bcus I have a very hard time talking about my feelings. I can write them out fairly well though. I feel a conniption coming on right now. I dread having to say things that hurt tom. I can spend time with him, but I don’t want to get into a deep discussion and I don’t want to come back to him.

Dory
Current Music: alanis morrisette
Current Mood: sick

stiiiiiiiiiiiill coughing *hacking* YUCK

Well, the bad news is… the offer I made was declined.
I don’t have good news.

I’m very very very disappointed… but I’m trying to be mature about this… it would feel good to throw a temper tantrum, but I think I’m showing remarkable restraint.

Her realtor said that there was someone yesterday who said they were going to make an offer, but they haven’t done that yet. Even if they make an offer of, let’s say, 100K, the bank still has to appraise it. and if it appraises for, let’s say, 90K, then the bank is not going to write a loan for 100K, bcus they have to protect their investment. and the buyer wouldn’t want to make up the difference bcus that would be an unwise investment. they have to sell it someday and it would take that much longer to build equity. so I’m thinking I can wait this out and still house hunt in the process. bcus if this other deal falls through, she’s gonna wish that she had accepted my offer. her realtor told Stepmomster that he would keep her updated if the other offer falls through. sooooo, I’m househunting again. open-housing on sunday. yippee. one good thing about this though is that i’ll have one more paycheck to sock away since I’m sure it’ll take at least another two weeks to find a house. gosh, this is depressing. yesterday I was looking at a possible move date of 06/20/2003 and now I’m back to square one. *sigh* As disappointed as I am, I have to trust that there is a plan, even though I don’t know what it is.

It’s kinda funny. me and tom’s radar is all off. he thinks I’m mad when I’m not, and misses it when I am; and I make the same misread on him too. hmmmm.

Where do I stand on staying or going at this point? I still don’t know. I know I do not want to go back at this point, but I cannot say for sure whether I will file for divorce or not. our next couple’s counseling is 05/20. at this point, I don’t know if my trust and respect in him can be restored. I think he broke it too good. but when I go over to his house to spend time with the boys, I don’t mind if he’s there as long as we don’t get into a deep discussion. which inevitably we do. *sigh*

I went to the doctor yesterday about this damn cough. she said she thought it was my asthma bcus I’m not carrying a temp. she said I should use my rescue inhaler every two hours until I get over the cough. I told her if I did that I was pretty sure I would just explode bcus the stuff makes me so jittery. she said “ok, every four hours then.” I said, “ok, but you gotta give me a rx for those really strong cough pills.” she said, “done.” who says you can’t negotiate with your doctor? :o) but oddly enough, she was rather inflexible on the “stop smoking” stance. *tongue in cheek*

I have too much to do tonight. Right after work, Rocky has an ice cream social at school. Then at 7, I’m helping CB and becky scrub cory’s new house so it’ll be squeaky clean when he moves in. ya know, that kinda cleaning that mostly only girls do that involves like, scrubbing corners and *gasp* places you can’t immediately see with a casual glance. then Tom would like to go to the bar and see joe on the open mic night. so i’ll put the boys to bed and stay there for a while so he can do that.

I’m going to this conference with CB’s church group on June 6-8. I told tom about it and made sure he was ok with having the boys the whole weekend, and he was, for which I was very grateful. he asked what kind of conference it was, and I told him I wasn’t sure, just that CB invited me. I didn’t want to tell him that it was a single’s conference bcus I didn’t want his head to explode. that would just be so messy. well, a few days later, I told him, “i have something to tell you, but I’m afraid your head will explode.” he said, “well, I can’t promise anything, but go ahead.” I said, “seriously, I really don’t want to cause your head to explode.” he said, “ok, I have a hand firmly affixed to each side of my head just in case.” I then told him it was a single’s conference. and his head didn’t explode. I told him I wasn’t going to meet guys; I was going for the spiritual teaching and to get outta town for a couple days. and he was ok with that. I don’t know why that is so important to me. we’re separated, so I feel like I shouldn’t care. but I don’t want to hurt him. I do care. actually, considering the circumstances, I could be a mean, nasty bitch. but I’m not.

Going out to lunch shortly with some co-workers for the chinese buffet at Pei’s… yummmmmmmmm!

Let’s see… what else is new? … … I got nothin. :o)

…Dory

Current Music: Dixie Chicks – Landslide… this is my life song now :o)
Current Mood: cheerful

mondays suck ass…

I can’t get rid of this damn cough.

Friday night – had boys over to dad’s for supper.

Saturday – Went to The Hoover House in West Branch with Tom, SA, and Stacey. Fantastic grill-your-own steak place. After dinner, went to The Blarney Stone for a couple beers. Darned if I can remember what I did Saturday afternoon.

Sunday – Happy Mother’s Day! The boys got me a framed Calvin & Hobbes print. Tom swears Dino came up with it. *snort* Went out to Tom’s parent’s house for lunch/dinner, put some hamburgers and cheddarwurst on the inside grill bcus the weather sucked. Damn Iowa anyway. Wish it would decide if it wanted to be spring or what.

I had to sign a new offer for the house bcus the owner has decided to list with a realtor. We’re still going to offer $90K.

Went to my PartyLite meeting tonight. I haven’t had any parties since the last week in February. I think I’m about ready to get back into it.

…Dory

Current Music: it’s blissfully quiet…
Current Mood: mellow

[no subject]

Went to see Gramma last night. It was a mother/daughter program at Garnet Place. I think at first she didn’t recognize me, but later she asked about the boys. And then she said, “you have such a beautiful family”. I just smiled and said, “thanks, Gramma”. I think that was the right thing to do. If I told her what was really going on in my beautiful family, she would be very very upset. Anyway. She was confused at times, but ok at times. Like she was in and out.

Stepmomster and I talked about what I was going to offer for the house. Owner is asking 103K, but she must be smokin crack. The market analysis showed that 4 comparable houses sold at 69K, 76K, 77K, and 86K. So. We’re going to set a starting point at 90K… BUT… if it appraises for less, then THAT’S the selling price. if it appraises for more, but only up to 95K, then that’s the selling price. if it appraises for more than that, I have the option to walk away with my earnest money. So we’re both going to be gambling a little bit. I think it’s a great offer that Stepmomster set up. It’s fair to me and to the owner. I think I’ll keep her. Stepmomster, not the owner. *winks*

Then I needed to give Michelle a cd full of pics that I scanned for her. We met at the Union and we had a couple beers. I really ment to be home and in bed by 10:30, but didn’t make it until 11:30. And I smoked too much and I can’t stop coughing.

I wore my burgundy suit today. Sometimes it’s nice to dress up for a change. Tom was almost joking when he said I wore that just to torture him. Nope. Wearing it for me.

I forgot to take my concerta (ADD med) today and I can -really- tell the difference. I feel scatterbrained today, it’s harder to focus on my work, and my brain feels fuzzy.

Dory
Current Music: Avril. Oddly enough, I haven’t gotten tired of this CD yet.
Current Mood: okay

[no subject]

Went over to Tom’s tonight and just spent time with the boys. Tom took off for some much needed R&R. He got back and reported that the tattoo he wants will be $200-$250 and that if I wanted to get my navel pierced, that would set me back $40-$75. LMAO! I said once that maybe I should get my belly button pierced, and I was just joking, but then have really started to seriously consider it! Anybody’s input on this???

I just have to say again, I am so thankful for my friends. Family is family, but your friends will make or break you. *hugs to my friends* Your words of encouragement mean more to you than you can know.

Well, kiddies, it’s bedtime for bonzo. And me. I’m falling asleep at the wheel here…

love… Dory

Current Music: my parents keyboards are all clickity clackity in background
Current Mood: touched

MEN SUCK ASS.

I had a really relaxing weekend. I went shopping with CB on Saturday and then took a 2 hour nap. I bought a new terra cotta plant for the orchid Tom gave me and a pot with cut outs on the side and some petunias to plant in it. On Sunday I slept in so I missed church (*slaps own wrist*) and then went over to Tom’s and watched “Signs” (sucked) and “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (I just love Janene Garafolo). Last night I got the orchid moved into his new pot (he’s just thrilled) and I potted the petunias in that weirdo pot with the cutouts on the side and this was not an easy task. I almost took a hammer to it.

Sometimes my impulses scare me. I poured myself a glass of wine last night and drank it. I was sitting at the table reading a book (Dark Horse by Tami Hoag, I highly recommend it) and kinda playing with the glass, turning it by the slim delicate leg of the glass right above the base. Suddenly, I got the strongest impulse to pick up the glass and slam it (no, slam isn’t a strong enough word) into the window behind me. Not once. Repeatedly. I wanted to hear the glass shatter and feel it disintegrate and stomp on the shards. Even thinking about it now, I feel my heart rate rise and tears come behind my eyes.

Tom and I got into a big discussion last night about boundaries regarding people of the opposite sex. He was upset that I wouldn’t tell him exactly where I’d been or who I’d been with. I told him all he needed to know was that I wasn’t sleeping with someone else. Beyond that, it’s none of his business. He said, no, it was, because he needed to know where I was setting my boundaries so he could set his accordingly. He said he needed to know, was there flirting? hand-holding? kissing? I said it shouldn’t matter to him where I set my boundaries, bcus I set them for myself, not him. I set them appropriately as to be comfortable with my own integrity. He said he needed to know bcus if he was in a situation, he needed to know what I was ok with so he wouldn’t “get in trouble” later. I told him he should do what he was comfortable with. He was going off about how maybe me leaving was just wanting to be single. No, this is about me not wanting to share my life totally with him anymore. He betrayed me in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to share my heart with him again. He said that when I wouldn’t tell him where I was or who I was with or what I was doing then he just had to imagine the worst. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. I had to deal with imagining the same thing but knowing it was true. I had to deal with the mental image of him having cyber sex then phone sex with the internet chick. I read the chat logs. Then I had to deal with the mental image of him and carrie together, knowing that he did it repeatedly knowing full well what the consequences would be. This has haunted me for over two years now. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. And if he decides he meets someone and has to decide how far he’s going to go, well, so be it. I left him, and when I did, I also took the risk that he may decide that he doesn’t want to be married to me either. It goes both ways. Once we have separate households and we’re not seeing each other every day, I’m not going to ask where he was or who he was with or what he was doing (not that I’m doing that now). I’m going to work on getting my shit together and deciding what I want. This is not about me finding someone else that I want to be with. This is not about me getting revenge for the cybersex and phone sex and him having an affair with my best friend. This is about me deciding if I can share my life with him after he betrayed me so deeply. This is about me healing my heart and being okay with me.
Here’s the thing; and this is a real question, not a rhetorical one: What does it say about me that I set my boundaries (don’t cheat on me or I’ll leave you) and that he shit on that and I stayed?
Does that say I am weak for letting him get away with that?
Am I strong for trying to forgive him all this time?
Am I weak for not being able to forgive him after all this time?
Am I strong for putting my foot down and stating that I don’t deserve to be treated like that so I’m leaving?
Am I weak for not continuing to try to do whatever I was doing?
Am I strong for recognizing I can’t keep living my life this way? For destroying the facade that perpetuated my misery?

Our relationship is so odd. We still laugh and talk and joke and hug sometimes. And sometimes I can tell that he’d love a small kiss on the lips, and I decide if I can do that, and sometimes I can. In three months, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve slept together. It’s been good, it’s been bad. It’s felt phenomenal, it’s felt terrible in the morning. Just a few times, and almost completely opposite experiences. What made the difference? I don’t know.
I can honestly say I still love him. But I don’t think I can trust him or respect him like I did before. What is a marriage without trust and respect?
…further updates as events warrant… ๐Ÿ˜‰
love… Dory

Current Music: Cake – I Will Survive!
Current Mood: thoughtful

IM (obviously) from 05/01/2003

—- New Conversation [Thu, 2:27 pm] —-
Dory says: help me understand.
MW says: if I can
Dory says: is anyone shoulder surfing now?
MW says: not that I am aware
Dory says: the last time this happened, it was my understanding that I was not to contact you at all. then later you said, “you evaporated” and I said “you told me to!” and you said “how?” then I was confused. So, my understanding is that I am not to contact you at all. Am I correct?
MW says: brb
MW says: So I;m coming back from the airport and I realize
that it’s only 12:30 so I says to myself, “self, you can play cards today,” which is a wonderful thing because I like to play cards. So then I says to myself, “self, will that screw up you or Dory?” And I’m not sure what to do or what to say. And then I think. One day, I will run into Dory and want to say hi and I’d rather have that sooner than later, but she needs her space, but I’m stressed to death. And I decide, to myself, that I need to go play cards. If Dory is there, I will say hi. “Hi”. If she isn’t, I’ll just play cards. Cause I need a break and I can’t keep thinking about everything at
work. So I went to the Cafe and saw you and played cards.
MW says: There. That’s much clearer.
Dory says: I thought this was about YOU needing YOUR space to figure out you and b.
MW says: Does this mean I shouldn’t play cards tomorrow?
Dory says: no
MW says: I have to be alive. I will run into you. I need to supress anything that resembles affection for you. I need to figure out where B and I stand. I need to relax at times. I need friends. I need
MW says: not to hurt you
MW says: often, I’m too much for myself. I don’t want to be too much for you.
Dory says: what I need to know is, am I not to contact you?
Dory says: I need to know the rules.
MW says: that’s fair.
Dory says: are you still thinking about the answer?
MW says: yes
MW says: And reviewing some work
Dory says: k
Dory says: take your time
MW says: I think I need to say no. Its not fair to you to leave an “opening” while I try to figure things out. But I want to say yes, because I love to hear what you have to say. But if I say yes, it sets us up in the same spiral we have been in over the last 3 months. But if I say no, I fear I will never get to talk to you again. And you have the Faygo.
Dory says: ;oj
Dory says: ok, but can you also see that it is not fair that I am not to contact you, but it’s ok for you to contact me?
Dory says: and I can allow joint custody of the Faygo.
MW says: It is absolutely unfair. You are absolutely correct. I am a guy. I am rarely fair. I like Faygo. Especially Rock and Rye.
Dory says: ok, but don’t say later, “you evaporated” like it was a big surprise to you. I hate this. This is not what I want. And Faygo is the best soda in the universe. Especially Rock N Rye.
MW says: What do you want? I’m not sure.
MW says: other than Rocka nd Rye.
MW says: which I’m hoping you’ll share
Dory says: I want you to be happy. I want to see your smile.
Dory says: I’m a good share-er
MW says: yeah? Well I want you to be happy. ) (that’s a
smile). But what do youwnat for you>

Dory says: I want to be happy. this ain’t it. but from what you’ve said, no contact is necessary for you to figure things out. so I will have to be unhappy. but only in this particular area in my life. I have other areas to find happiness in.
MW says: Yeah. And they probably invlolve Faygo, and you have all of it
Dory says: ๐Ÿ˜›
Dory says: so… do you want NO contact from me unless you
initiate it?
MW says: I think that would be best for both of us. Why? What did you have in mind?
Dory says: *shrugs* just clarifying the rules. and the biggest problem I’m having with this situation is feeling rejected by you.
MW says: hmm
MW says: My biggest problem is I don’t want to reject you. You are wonderful, and special, and comfortable, and you like Rock and Rye, and funny, and pretty, and silly, and thoughtful, and
MW says: my friend
MW says: And we are stuck in odd timing
Dory says: hmm
MW says: So through Sunday I’m in town, and on sunday night B returns. Do I spend time with you and feel like I’m misleading you until then? Am I misleading myself every time we are together (probably, b/c you are not even ready for a relationship beyond Tom yet). And you need to know how wonderful oyu are. Can I just tell you? Is that enough? I’m terrible with rules; making them and following them.
MW says: And you are my friend.
Dory says: hmm
MW says: BTW. I’m probably going to leave soon. I just need to get away from this place before I lose my mind.
MW says: or any more of it
MW says: probably more accurate
Dory says: I don’t know, MW, this sucks. I am most assuredly not happy.
MW says: but I smiled at you
Dory says: yes you did
Dory says: *thinking*
Dory says: I don’t know.
MW says: Do you want to see me?
Dory says: yes.
MW says: wont that mess us up again again?
Dory says: *deep sigh*
MW says: PS – I like seeing oyu
Dory says: I don’t think it will mess up me. I guess it would mess up you.
MW says: It won’t mess you up to see you all weekend and then turnyou off on Sunday?
Dory says: I don’t think I could see you all weekend anyway. I have plans all over it. *rolls eyes*
MW says: I understand
MW says: Being a social butterfly, I’m surprised you’ve talked to me at all. ๐Ÿ™‚
Dory says: ๐Ÿ˜›
Dory says: what’s that mean???
MW says: thank you for the time you’ve shared with me
MW says: I love every moment
MW says: I appreciate you bending your schedule to make room for me
Dory says: it would probably mess you up if we went for dinner saturday night.
MW says: I am honored that you would spend any time with me
MW says: like, went to dinner where
Dory says: *shrugs*
MW says: I’ve never heard of them
MW says: do they hav good food?
Dory says: *snert*
Dory says: walk out with me tonight?
MW says: gonna fly soon. call me when you leave?
Dory says: at 5:01
MW says: sure
Dory says: tonight I have to run back to my dad’s and grab my camera, then I have to be at grant school on the SW side by 6:45
Dory says: that is what I have to work around
MW says: I have to get home and fix dinner fo rthe kids, Pick up Nick at 6:30, and go on a date with Donna at 7
Dory says: ok so we’re just walking out together ๐Ÿ™‚
MW says: but I should be around by 9:45ish
Dory says: hmmmm
MW says: you ready to leave now?
Dory says: I can’t… twyla’s here.
MW says: call me at 5?
Dory says: k
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Current Music: None
Current Mood: None