[no subject]

i wish I had more time to write. I keep hoping every day that time will slow down a little and give me a little time to catch up. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe my perception is off, and it’s miles and miles farther than I ever realized. i’ll keep my eye on that, though, and keep moving, even if it’s two steps forward, one step back.
my vacation in st louis was wonderful. I probably put in a total of eight hours by the pool, and we went to the Arch, and Six Flags, but most importantly, we logged in some serious downtime. lots of girl talk, lots of alcohol, lots of laughing, lots of sleep. God bless Nanner. if it hadn’t been for her, it never would’ve happened. she supplied: one, the car, and two, the radar detector. 🙂 I couldn’t have asked for two better vacation companions. CAL set up a cheap (read: free!) place to crash, and her parents’ apt complex boasts a swimming pool, so we got in some invaluable sun time. it was absolutely wonderful. the best part of six flags was the waterpark, on the innertube ride. we must’ve spent 3 hours riding the river. the vacation was, I must say, a rousing success.
ok. now, about my damn car. so I buy a house, and before I even make the first damn payment, it dies. horribly, certainly, dies. so I bought a house on july 24, and I bought a car on august 28. but i’ll have to make it work. i’ll just have to. I have no choice. i’ll draw on my own strength, that “deep well” that MW spoke about. maybe he felt a little better about setting me off by saying that, but it’s the truth. I do have a deep well of strength. i’m rollin with it. ok, I have no other choice, but i’m making the best of it. ok, I did have another choice, but I didn’t opt for it. I could’ve ran to tom and had him bail me out. but I didn’t. and I won’t.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

[no subject]

—- New Conversation [Fri, 11:14 am] —-
CB says: how are things now?
CB says: I come and go between good and bad
Dory says: me too.
Dory says: I had an foc call go way bad
Dory says: oh well
Dory says: it’s fixed
CB says: cranky customer?
Dory says: yeah, the rep ordered NO pic. so we put on 9199.
cust says, “so now we shouldn’t have to dial 1010222 anymore,
Dory says: *smacks self in the forehead*
Dory says: so i’m like, “you want mci, not NO ld carrier?”

Dory says: she says like i’m a moron, “um YES”
CB says: goodness…….Like we can read her mind!
Dory says: ok – I just got this spooky feeling.
Dory says: *all flustered*
CB says: what????? tell me………..
Dory says: it’s like…
Dory says: ok, so i’ve been on the phone a lot of the morning
with the bank and robert (the salesman) about a vehicle
Dory says: (sorry – on the phone)
CB says: ……….waiting………… :o)
Dory says: ok – I had to leave a vm for this guy and it was three
Dory says: ok
Dory says: and you know how bad I want this alero
Dory says: and I prayed about it
Dory says: and i’m ok with not getting it if i’m not s’posed to
Dory says: but I had to give it one last plea with the bank this
Dory says: and so I know they’re working on it now as we speak
Dory says: so i’m going along just checking my foc’s
Dory says: and I just got this spooky feeling
Dory says: like, something’s happening RIGHT NOW and it’s in
His hands and He’s taking care of me
Dory says: I don’t know how
Dory says: I just know
Dory says: I don’t know what vehicle i’m s’posed to end up with,
but whatever I do, He put His hand on it.
Dory says: whew
Dory says: i’m done
CB says: isnt’ it so cool to get the feeling though! How
awesome to know he does work in our lives……..we just
have to ask for his help even if it not what we want to end
up with, but usually something better! Wow! :o)
CB says: I feel like crying now!
CB says: really!
CB says: :o)
Dory says: *misty-eyed*

Current Music: None
Current Mood: hopeful

rollin’, rollin’, rollin’….

FINALLY. i’m on my way on my vacation. I think one of the coolest feelings in the world is when you’re walking out of work knowing that you won’t have to return til ??? the girls were outside waiting for me in the ‘stang. and off we go! we threw our stress and tension out the window on the interstate. I thought that after I closed on the house, my stress level would lower considerably. but i’ve found this is not the case. there was/is drama with Fiona. now my car is dead and I am facing actually having a car pymt for the first time in 3 years and I haven’t even made my first house pymt yet. it seems everywhere I turn, there is something to worry about and freek over. what with the house worries, there for a few weeks, I was actually going a couple days at a time w/o even thinking/agonizing over whether I was going to divorce tom or not. now lately I find myself coming back round to that more often. he’s helped me out way beyond the call of duty, but as he explained it to me, if he is considering taking an action to help me, he has to weigh it carefully between if he feels comfortable helping me that much and whether i’ll take an adverse reaction to him saying no. it’s complicated. sissie, I wish you were here close to me. I wish you could see inside my heart. when i’m away from you for a length of time, I start to worry about what you think of me and the decisions I make. I realize it’s all my decisions and my life to live, but I also want you to be like, “i like my sister as a real person, not bcus I kinda hafta bcus she’s my sister.” sometimes I worry that you are leaning toward’s tom’s side. I have other stuff happening in my life that I want to share and i’m scared that you’ll feel that tom has a right to know and tell him. but now there are certain areas of my life that are none of his damn business and I want it that way. his actions put us here in this situation. and don’t worry bout your boys, they are doing fantastic. tom and I are maintaining an odd sort of relationship at this point that is conducive to the boys adapting to this potentially damaging deal. I think we’ve done a good job still presenting a united front, as in “even tho we don’t live together, we’re still mommy and daddy and we’re still going to enforce each other’s parenting decisions and discipline” I had the boys for a week and a half, from 2 weekends ago til last weekend, and i’ll be honest with ya, it was rough. but I pulled it off, and i’ll pull it off again and again. halfway thru the week, I picked up the boys one night and Rocky said, “where are we going?” I said, “we’re going to mommy’s home.” and he said, “i want to go to my real home.” CAL was with me and as I swallowed my tears, she talked with Rocky about it. about how sometimes this was going to be difficult, but how great was it that he had both a mommy and a daddy who love him so much and want him to be happy. *sigh* I haven’t had a full week away from tom yet. what with him coming over to help me out by fixing electrical stuff in my house, and last weekend while Rocky was in michigan with aunt t, I had Dino and tom spent pretty much the whole weekend with me. it was mostly bcus I had no vehicle and we spent saturday running our errands together then sunday he helped me tear down my waterbed and then put it back together on the opposite side of the room. so it’s kinda like this: when I have time away from tom, honestly I don’t miss him much. but when he is around and just leaves for a little bit, I kinda look forward to his return. and ok, i’ll admit it; he’s no slouch in the sack. he’s had 9 years to figger out my buttons. and ooo baby, does he know how to push them. i’ve got other buttons too tho, and he knows how to push them too. sometimes it seems like he pushes them knowing full well how much it upsets me. sometimes infuriates me. i’ve started really really getting to know myself this year, and I like me. I like being on my own. I like making decisions and not having to be questioned or challenged. I make my decisions on my own, and I face the consequences of my actions on my own. without his two cents worth. most of the time. if I decide that I want my marriage to live, that doesn’t mean BOOM he’s back. and there’s so much more that i’ve found that i’m dealing with that is just as important to me as his affair with carrie. he is a difficult man to live with. he’ll be the first to admit it. he loves to argue. I hate it. he loves to talk, he thinks out loud, and I do my best thinking on my own, in my head. i’m easygoing and adaptable to a change in plans. he hates any change in plans and will throw a huge fit against it. sometimes it seems like these differences are almost insurmountable. sometimes it seems like too much to go back to. I don’t know if that’s me recognizing my limits to what I have to tolerate, or me needing to be more patient. how long do I agonize over this??? simply put, i’m not happy sharing my life with him. i’m happy being on my own. i’m hoping that the next 5 days will take some weight off my heart. I have been living with a level of stress this year that would have felled lesser women. but i’m still standing. i’m tired, but i’m still standing. i’m weary, but I can smile. i’ve come to have a newfound thankfulness, gratefulness to my wonderful girlfriends. we women are amazing, aren’t we? except for two days a month, I enjoy being a girl. i’m comfortable in my body, i’m comfortable in my mind. i’m confident in my own skin. I like me. maya angelou wrote a fantastic poem called “phenomenal woman”. it speaks to me. I think i’m learning to be comfortable with my happiness, rather than searching in vain for happiness, and existing in Blah-Land.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: peaceful

And they all lived happily ever after. For the most part.

for anyone who doesn’t know yet – I closed on 07/24/2003 and i’m actually getting settled in now. moving is a severe pain in the ass. you may wonder why it’s been so long since I wrote. well, first of all, every friggin time I wrote “looks like we’re on track now for the house” something would go horribly wrong. so I figgered i’m not jinxing myself anymore! then, second, duh, i’ve spent every spare moment moving so I haven’t had time to write. also, work has been real busy so I haven’t had time to write there either. I probably shouldn’t be taking the time right now to be writing, but I just couldn’t stand it. I have huge drama going on with Fiona, and I can’t even write all about it bcus it would take like two years. i’ll sum it up though… i’m right, she’s wrong, shut up. ‘kay. glad that’s covered. suffice to say at this point, she’s not moving in. but i’m not bitter. LOL

Current Music: haven’t even had time to put in a CD this morning
Current Mood: busy

[no subject]

what a weekend.

friday I had the boys from 5:15 until 10pm. saturday I had them from 10am until 8pm. tom and I got into a fight, I mean an intense discussion regarding how I just pick up and drop off the boys when it’s convenient for me and yadda yadda yadda yadda. let’s just say that didn’t go over well.

yesterday I got finished up my family’s laundry and then picked up mcdonald’s for tom and the kids and then packed for the next 8 hours. I got a lot packed. not too many scuffles with tom over the stuff. he’s understandably depressed.

Bill called today and let me know everything’s on schedule for 07/24 close. *crossing my fingers*

tonight i’m going over to tom’s and packing some more. yee haaaaah.

tomorrow night is marriage counseling. double yeee haaaaaah.

sheesh. feelings suck. that’s all the “public” is gonna get from me today, switching to “private” mode. *blows razzberries atcha*


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Current Mood: None

12 days to close… *crossing fingers*

things aren’t quite so busy at work today, so maybe i’ll have time to write! imagine that!!!

i slept for shit last night. I was in bed by 10, but I stared at the ceiling/walls/off into space until midnight. I have so much on my heart. I wish I could just stop thinking for awhile. a friend told me last night, “you have a deep well of strength you haven’t even tapped into yet.” I hope so. sometimes I feel so strong; seconds later I feel so weak.

I just checked my calendar and Saturday it will be 23 weeks ago I moved out. WOW. there’s 52 weeks in a year. i’ve been gone almost 6 months. WOW.

I’m off to my weekend!!!

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Current Mood: None

Everything Sucks Ass. Thus saieth Dory.

Last night Tom dropped the boys off at McLd and they begged to go back to Grampa PDF’s house. So we went over there and they had a blast. We played Uno and JDJ, KRJ, and Sarah took them outside and played and played and played. I took them back to Tom’s around 9pm and tucked them in and waited for him to come home. He got there around 10:15 and I got up to leave. Somehow we got on the subject of the affair, don’t ask me how, I don’t remember. Oh God, he makes me feel crazy. I know that’s like, not, mentally correct or something. But I don’t know how else to say it. Here’s his main point last nighTom: “You have to take your part of the responsibility for this.” *shakes head* HUH??? “If you hadn’t been depressed and distant, it wouldn’t have happened.” *speechless* “You should have called a doctor.” *still shaking head* “I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I’m not saying you drove me to it.” you’re not? funny, that’s what it sounds like. No. I will not take responsibility for Tom choosing to have an affair. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was sick. I couldn’t reach out. He could see what I was doing – sleeping 12 hours or more a day, not speaking to anyone, remaining distant, not doing anything to participate in life. He could have called a doctor and said he saw these signs and gotten me in. I would have gone. He said “You wouldn’t have gone. You would’ve found an excuse not to go.” I would have gone. He said “I wasn’t near a phone. I was working long hours.” So he never drove by a HandiMart that had a payphone? He said “I didn’t know what to do.” I said, “So you screwed my best friend? That was your solution?” He said, “Ok, I guess I had that coming.” Damn right he did. He made those vows right along with me, to be faithful in sickness and in health. And he broke them. No, I will not take part of the responsibility for Tom having an affair. I won’t. He said, “Maybe this is something to bring up with Duh.” Fine. No problem. He said if I can’t take part of the responsibility and not take any of the blame, maybe we should just end it. Maybe we should. Maybe we shouldn’t even wait the six months we agreed on. If I haven’t been able to forgive him by now, am I ever going to be able to forgive him? This happened 3 years ago, and he confessed it 2 years ago. But the hurt is almost as raw as the day he told me. I told him, “You’ve never looked me in the eyes and said ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’.” He said, “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to cry?” I said, “No. I want to see in your eyes that you acknowledge the amount of pain you’ve caused me.” It seems to me that he’s more concerned with like, keeping his dignity than in keeping me. He showed more remorse when I caught him with the cyber/phone sex than when he told me about the affair.

I gotta get the hell outta here (work). I have to drop off my computer at Corey’s and then I have a 6:30 appt to go thru a house.


Current Music: it’s so quiet here at work after 5pm it’s almost spooky.
Current Mood: aggravated