welcome back from your 3 day weekend – UGH

i had a pretty good holiday weekend. it could have been worse. it could’ve been raining.

went thru another 11 houses this weekend. a couple were mildly interesting, but nothing is speaking to me. well, that’s probably a good thing, right? bcus if houses were speaking to me i’d have a whole nother set of problems! *LOL* so I don’t have much news on the house quest. but maybe I won’t write about a house when I find it bcus i’ve jinxed myself a few times! *LMAO*

for whatever reason, saturday I woke up so depressed I couldn’t stand myself. I got up and tom called and asked me to take the boys so he could run some errands and he dropped them off and for some stupid reason when he was there I just started crying. not like bawling, but like when you’re trying not to cry and those tears are coming no matter what you do. he said, “c’mon – get a tshirt and jeans and come with me then. you need to not be alone.” sometimes when I’m depressed, I can almost handle it fine, but if tom’s around, I end up crying. I think it’s bcus he’s still the person that’s closest to me in a really odd way. i’ve been very distant and he can’t read me very well anymore, but when I’m depressed, he’s really the only person I lose it around. kinda like when something is really really bothering you but you have a good handle on the tears until someone says, “are you ok?” and then you lose it. only he doesn’t have to say anything, all he has to do is look at me, and here come the tears. sometimes that ticks me off bcus I kinda feel like he’s lost that priviledge to console me bcus he hurt me so bad. but on the other hand, I feel better after he’s held me and I’m done crying. it’s frustrating as hell.

saturday night I stayed at CAL’s parent’s house and had a slumber party with her and karen and rachel! what a blast!

yesterday CAL, karen, JDJ, Stepmomster, KRJ and I went shopping in williamsburg. it was a rousing success I think. my mission was to get a few matching bra/undies sets, and boy did I accomplish that mission. it’s so much more fun to shop for bras now that i’ve come down a cup size. I started at leggs/hanes/bali and walked away from there with 5 sets. they’re all absolutely adorable. at rue 21, I got 2 cute little v-neck tops in red and lavender, a tshirt that has a tootsie-roll pop on it and says “how many licks does it take?” *evil grin* and a pair of sweats that are small on top and big in the legs and they say “baby girl” down the side. I just HAD to get those bcus tom calls me that and even on a bad tom day when I could just kill him, if some guy called me that, i’d have to kick ‘im in the jimmy. *LOL* then we went to vanity fair and if I knew that everything was half off half off, I wouldn’t have bought so many undies at leggs/hanes! I got this pair of lee khakis for 5 bucks!!! and 3 more sets! 2 of them were tommy hilfiger sets that would’ve been $35 in von maur or younkers, but I got them for $11! Stepmomster gave me a much deserved guilt trip over spending the money. but what’s done is done. I ended up spending about $150 total and got a shitload of clothes for that; 3 shirts, 2 pants, and 8 sets. nothing like pretty matching undies to pull a girl outta a funk. works like a charm. :o)

today’s gone by pretty quick – thought the day would drag coming back from a 3 day weekend but my orders have gone really well today.

tonight I will have the boys all to myself while tom does a side job :o) oddly enough, I actually feel pretty good today in spite of my frustration with houses. I feel good. I feel strong.

that’s all my news for now…

Current Music: matchbox 20 – their first album
Current Mood: calm

better to have loved and lost… what the… um,heck… ever, man.

within 24 hours I had my dream house then lost it. dammit dammit son of a bitch.

CAL and I are going to do a couple shots of tequila tonight. we’ll drink to the house I loved and lost.

back to square one AGAIN.

IM with Ryan this afternoon:
[15:35] Dory: I lost that house.
[15:35] Ryan: what??? how??
[15:35] Dory: Stepmomster called and said the sale that was pending on it, they were sure it was going to fall apart.
[15:35] Dory: well, it didn’t.
[15:36] Ryan: oh damn – I am so sorry
[15:36] Dory: dammit dammit son of a bitch.
[15:36] Ryan: I agree
[15:37] Dory: amy just said, “this means there’s an even better house out there for ya”

[15:37] Dory: I told her, “then at this rate i’ll end up with a mansion for twenty bucks.”
[15:37] Ryan: lol
[15:37] Ryan: you will find an even better house
[15:37] Dory: *weak grin*
[15:37] Ryan: this one was probably infected with asbestos
[15:38] Dory: and termites
[15:38] Ryan: exactly
[15:38] Dory: and was on an indian burial ground
[15:38] Ryan: exactly
[15:38] Ryan: with lead paint
[15:38] Dory: and toxic waste in the back yard
[15:39] Ryan: oh – I’m sure it does

IM with Dave this afternoon:
[16:28] Dory: I can’t work.
[16:28] Dory: I can’t think straight.
[16:29] Dave: Why? Boys on the brain again?
[16:29] Dory: houses.
[16:30] Dave: Wouldn’t that hurt to have one of those on your head?
[16:30] Dory: :-T
[16:31] Dave: Relax. Be calm, be mellow
[16:31] Dory: I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack.
[16:31] Dave: in with the calm out with the violence
[16:32] Dave: Let us go to your happy place
[16:33] Dory: where I can shoot those assholes who stole my friggin house?!?!
[16:33] Dave: Yes, you can shoot them right in the buttocks
[16:33] Dory: *chuckling*
[16:33] Dave: and then laugh at them
[16:34] Dave: and then have the geese poop on them

Current Music: still at work… but after 5… it’s SO quiet
Current Mood: disappointed

zzzzzzzzzzz THUD *head hitting the keyboard*

I -still- have this cold. I’m SO tired. I took nyquil last night and -still- woke up 3 times. am I going to die from the common cold? has that already been done? I ache all over. yes, I’m whining. I think I’m entitled.

i didn’t get around to writing yesterday. was so busy working. so this weekend was good. friday night the boys stayed at gramma A’s and tom and I went to dinner, and then shopping at kohl’s, and then to see “down with love”. kohl’s had some great sales and I got some good deals. I went just to pick up one pair of pants. I left with 3 pairs of pants and 4 shirts and a cute little sweater. I wanted some pants that I didn’t, like, swim in. so I bought some 5/6’s and gave some of my 10’s and 12’s to Stepmomster. also gave her 4 suits. I was going to sell them on eBay, but her and dad have been so cool and have not made me pay rent. the pants are what I like to call “hot pants” LOL they are snug at the waist, hips, and thighs then slightly flare down and they’re kinda stretchy polyester. “down with love” was a really cute movie. it’s got renee zellweger and ewen mcg-something in it. total chick flick, but tom didn’t hate it. then saturday I slept in until 9:30 and then went garage sale-ing with Nanner and Fiona. found MORE pants for work, a shirt for 50 cents with the tags still on it, and a extra large family size george forman grill brand new still in the box for $30!!! then I went to michelle’s sister’s batchelor party. they rented, and filled up, a 15 passenger van with drunken women. At the fifth bar, I decided I had had enough fun and called for a ride home. I think I’m getting too old to shut down the bars. :o)

this afternoon I have counseling with tom. last time by the time I got there I had worked myself into a pretty good anxiety attack. or at least a conniption. why? bcus I have a very hard time talking about my feelings. I can write them out fairly well though. I feel a conniption coming on right now. I dread having to say things that hurt tom. I can spend time with him, but I don’t want to get into a deep discussion and I don’t want to come back to him.

Current Music: alanis morrisette
Current Mood: sick

stiiiiiiiiiiiill coughing *hacking* YUCK

Well, the bad news is… the offer I made was declined.
I don’t have good news.

I’m very very very disappointed… but I’m trying to be mature about this… it would feel good to throw a temper tantrum, but I think I’m showing remarkable restraint.

Her realtor said that there was someone yesterday who said they were going to make an offer, but they haven’t done that yet. Even if they make an offer of, let’s say, 100K, the bank still has to appraise it. and if it appraises for, let’s say, 90K, then the bank is not going to write a loan for 100K, bcus they have to protect their investment. and the buyer wouldn’t want to make up the difference bcus that would be an unwise investment. they have to sell it someday and it would take that much longer to build equity. so I’m thinking I can wait this out and still house hunt in the process. bcus if this other deal falls through, she’s gonna wish that she had accepted my offer. her realtor told Stepmomster that he would keep her updated if the other offer falls through. sooooo, I’m househunting again. open-housing on sunday. yippee. one good thing about this though is that i’ll have one more paycheck to sock away since I’m sure it’ll take at least another two weeks to find a house. gosh, this is depressing. yesterday I was looking at a possible move date of 06/20/2003 and now I’m back to square one. *sigh* As disappointed as I am, I have to trust that there is a plan, even though I don’t know what it is.

It’s kinda funny. me and tom’s radar is all off. he thinks I’m mad when I’m not, and misses it when I am; and I make the same misread on him too. hmmmm.

Where do I stand on staying or going at this point? I still don’t know. I know I do not want to go back at this point, but I cannot say for sure whether I will file for divorce or not. our next couple’s counseling is 05/20. at this point, I don’t know if my trust and respect in him can be restored. I think he broke it too good. but when I go over to his house to spend time with the boys, I don’t mind if he’s there as long as we don’t get into a deep discussion. which inevitably we do. *sigh*

I went to the doctor yesterday about this damn cough. she said she thought it was my asthma bcus I’m not carrying a temp. she said I should use my rescue inhaler every two hours until I get over the cough. I told her if I did that I was pretty sure I would just explode bcus the stuff makes me so jittery. she said “ok, every four hours then.” I said, “ok, but you gotta give me a rx for those really strong cough pills.” she said, “done.” who says you can’t negotiate with your doctor? :o) but oddly enough, she was rather inflexible on the “stop smoking” stance. *tongue in cheek*

I have too much to do tonight. Right after work, Rocky has an ice cream social at school. Then at 7, I’m helping CB and becky scrub cory’s new house so it’ll be squeaky clean when he moves in. ya know, that kinda cleaning that mostly only girls do that involves like, scrubbing corners and *gasp* places you can’t immediately see with a casual glance. then Tom would like to go to the bar and see joe on the open mic night. so i’ll put the boys to bed and stay there for a while so he can do that.

I’m going to this conference with CB’s church group on June 6-8. I told tom about it and made sure he was ok with having the boys the whole weekend, and he was, for which I was very grateful. he asked what kind of conference it was, and I told him I wasn’t sure, just that CB invited me. I didn’t want to tell him that it was a single’s conference bcus I didn’t want his head to explode. that would just be so messy. well, a few days later, I told him, “i have something to tell you, but I’m afraid your head will explode.” he said, “well, I can’t promise anything, but go ahead.” I said, “seriously, I really don’t want to cause your head to explode.” he said, “ok, I have a hand firmly affixed to each side of my head just in case.” I then told him it was a single’s conference. and his head didn’t explode. I told him I wasn’t going to meet guys; I was going for the spiritual teaching and to get outta town for a couple days. and he was ok with that. I don’t know why that is so important to me. we’re separated, so I feel like I shouldn’t care. but I don’t want to hurt him. I do care. actually, considering the circumstances, I could be a mean, nasty bitch. but I’m not.

Going out to lunch shortly with some co-workers for the chinese buffet at Pei’s… yummmmmmmmm!

Let’s see… what else is new? … … I got nothin. :o)


Current Music: Dixie Chicks – Landslide… this is my life song now :o)
Current Mood: cheerful

mondays suck ass…

I can’t get rid of this damn cough.

Friday night – had boys over to dad’s for supper.

Saturday – Went to The Hoover House in West Branch with Tom, SA, and Stacey. Fantastic grill-your-own steak place. After dinner, went to The Blarney Stone for a couple beers. Darned if I can remember what I did Saturday afternoon.

Sunday – Happy Mother’s Day! The boys got me a framed Calvin & Hobbes print. Tom swears Dino came up with it. *snort* Went out to Tom’s parent’s house for lunch/dinner, put some hamburgers and cheddarwurst on the inside grill bcus the weather sucked. Damn Iowa anyway. Wish it would decide if it wanted to be spring or what.

I had to sign a new offer for the house bcus the owner has decided to list with a realtor. We’re still going to offer $90K.

Went to my PartyLite meeting tonight. I haven’t had any parties since the last week in February. I think I’m about ready to get back into it.


Current Music: it’s blissfully quiet…
Current Mood: mellow

[no subject]

Went to see Gramma last night. It was a mother/daughter program at Garnet Place. I think at first she didn’t recognize me, but later she asked about the boys. And then she said, “you have such a beautiful family”. I just smiled and said, “thanks, Gramma”. I think that was the right thing to do. If I told her what was really going on in my beautiful family, she would be very very upset. Anyway. She was confused at times, but ok at times. Like she was in and out.

Stepmomster and I talked about what I was going to offer for the house. Owner is asking 103K, but she must be smokin crack. The market analysis showed that 4 comparable houses sold at 69K, 76K, 77K, and 86K. So. We’re going to set a starting point at 90K… BUT… if it appraises for less, then THAT’S the selling price. if it appraises for more, but only up to 95K, then that’s the selling price. if it appraises for more than that, I have the option to walk away with my earnest money. So we’re both going to be gambling a little bit. I think it’s a great offer that Stepmomster set up. It’s fair to me and to the owner. I think I’ll keep her. Stepmomster, not the owner. *winks*

Then I needed to give Michelle a cd full of pics that I scanned for her. We met at the Union and we had a couple beers. I really ment to be home and in bed by 10:30, but didn’t make it until 11:30. And I smoked too much and I can’t stop coughing.

I wore my burgundy suit today. Sometimes it’s nice to dress up for a change. Tom was almost joking when he said I wore that just to torture him. Nope. Wearing it for me.

I forgot to take my concerta (ADD med) today and I can -really- tell the difference. I feel scatterbrained today, it’s harder to focus on my work, and my brain feels fuzzy.

Current Music: Avril. Oddly enough, I haven’t gotten tired of this CD yet.
Current Mood: okay

[no subject]

Went over to Tom’s tonight and just spent time with the boys. Tom took off for some much needed R&R. He got back and reported that the tattoo he wants will be $200-$250 and that if I wanted to get my navel pierced, that would set me back $40-$75. LMAO! I said once that maybe I should get my belly button pierced, and I was just joking, but then have really started to seriously consider it! Anybody’s input on this???

I just have to say again, I am so thankful for my friends. Family is family, but your friends will make or break you. *hugs to my friends* Your words of encouragement mean more to you than you can know.

Well, kiddies, it’s bedtime for bonzo. And me. I’m falling asleep at the wheel here…

love… Dory

Current Music: my parents keyboards are all clickity clackity in background
Current Mood: touched