Change starts with me

I made a decision last night and I already feel 1000% better. I sent this to CAL today…
—————————————————————-
I’ve changed my mind.

We both just want this to be over with so we never have to deal with each other again.

I’m going to give you all your stuff back. I still would like you to pay me the money you owe me. But I’m not witholding your stuff until you do. Please be a standup woman and do the right thing and pay me the money you owe me in a timely manner. You know I have heavy financial burden right now. You also know that if you had paid me on time, every time, and not bounced three checks, that I would be better off financially, not to mention you’d still be here and we’d still have each other’s friendship. So I’m doing the right thing (just giving your stuff back) and I ask that you do as well (pay me the money you owe me). I would appreciate it when you pay me back, you would deposit it at Collins, just give them my name and they will be able to access the account, and then drop me an email to tell me you did it.

Why am I doing a 180 and just giving you your stuff back?

First of all, I spoke with a friend of mine last night, I was just at the end of my tether. And she pointed out that I was not acting as I should. Two wrongs don’t make a right, they’re just always going to be two wrongs, period. I’m trying to do the right thing, Turning The Other Cheek (Matt 5:38-40). I’m not perfect, and I never will be. But I’m just trying to do the right thing. Second of all, because I need this to be over, and I need to have peace. I’ve allowed your actions against me to eat me up inside and I’ve made myself physically sick and I’ve stewed and cried and agonized over why you would do this to me. But I’m not allowing that anymore. Because it really doesn’t matter why you treated me badly. What matters is that you did, and you’re not the friend I thought you were, and it’s not worth ruining my heart and health for. I do wish that I had never offered for you to move in, and that you had not taken me up on the offer. We might still be friends now. But I guess it just would have put off the inevitable. You would have eventually hurt me some other way because you don’t value my friendship. In the end, what little money I got from you was not worth the heartache and hassle you caused me. So it’s just stuff, it’s just money, and all I want is peace and for this to be over so I can move on. So you get your stuff back, and I get peace, and it’s over, and we never have to speak to each other again, so everybody’s happy.

I apologize for my emotional outburst and losing my temper on Sunday. I’m not making excuses, but I want to explain something and ask you to try to look at this a second from my perspective. I’m dozing in my recliner, and all of the sudden with no warning, you’re pounding on my back door, and not just you but Chris and a few people I don’t even know, intending to come into my house, making demands of me. Human nature is to jump on the defensive. And I did. I felt threatened. I wanted to hurt you as bad as you hurt me. But first of all, you don’t care about me so I can’t hurt you, so it’s futile to even try. And second of all, that’s the wrong thing for me to do. I’m sorry.

I also confess and apologize that I was plotting revenge on you. I was this >-< close to calling Sean and giving him dirt on you to use in his case in the divorce and/or giving him all your stuff since you're still married that would be legal for me to do that. But that would be wrong of me to do, and I didn't, and I won't. I would also like to offer to "buy" some of this stuff and take the amount off what you owe me. I'm going to make you what I think is a very fair offer for this stuff. TV, $75. DVD/VCR, $100. Stereo, $25. Playstation, $25. I looked up comparable items on eBay to see what you would get if you sold them on eBay, so I'm making a fair offer to you. Total that would be taken off what you owe me is $225 if my math is correct. When you reply, please let me know if 1 - you are available this weekend for us to agree upon a time for you to take your stuff away and 2 - if you want to "sell" me those above items. I ask that you return your key and any copies you might have made of it. I also ask that you please do not come to my house without calling first. Talk to you soon, Dory Numbers 6: 24-26 ---------------------------------------------------------------- This may not make a whole lot of sense to anyone at first, but I feel unbelievably better. I just don't have it in me to be this bitter and angry. Taking this course of action takes me from a helpless reactionary position to a proactive position. It's just money. It's just stuff. My peace of mind is much more important. I do not see any chance for our friendship to be restored. But I feel A LOT better. Current Music: None Current Mood: content

Her response

Just to let you know that I did get your e-mail.. I really don’t have time to discuss right now because like always I have two jobs. I will try and contact you later tonight Because I don’t work the club. We have a lot of disagreements I know and this can be easy or ugly for the both of us. I do thank you for my clothes and I will return your boxes. I do however really really need my winter jacket and suit jacket for work. It is going to get really cold soon and I hope that I don’t have to put off your ‘bill’ anymore to be able to buy another winter jacket. I don’t want any foul words tonight. I won’t to discuss the facts and yes I am willing to FACE them no problems.

Talk to you later

CAL

I responded:

>Just to let you know that I did get your e-mail.. I really don’t
>have time to discuss right now because like always I have two jobs.

that’s a little jab there bcus you’re working and i’m not. thanks.

>I will try and contact you later tonight Because I don’t work the
>club.

you can try to contact me by phone but i’d appreciate it if you did
not come over tonight. I have plans tonight and also tom will be
here so it would really not be a good night at all. when we talk,
i’d rather not have either tom’s or chris’s presence there. I think
that’s fair to both of us.

>We have a lot of disagreements I know and this can be easy or
>ugly for the both of us.

are you threatening me?

>I do thank you for my clothes

you’re welcome

> and I will
>return your boxes. I do however really really need my winter jacket
>and suit jacket for work.

I found your suit jacket and a howe military jacket and a tweety
jacket in the front coat closet. I don’t see any other winter
coats.

>It is going to get really cold soon and I
>hope that I don’t have to put off your ‘bill’ anymore to be able to
>buy another winter jacket.

oh give me a break. you haven’t had a problem putting me off
the whole time you lived here.

>I don’t want any foul words tonight.

excuse me to pieces for being a little shocked to even see you. I
haven’t seen you for a month and all that time I’ve had to sit and
stew and wonder why in the hell you are ignoring me when all I
want to do is work things out. I didn’t get the email from you so
all of the sudden here you are and I have to deal with you. It
would have been much better if you had picked up the phone
and warned me that you were coming and what you had in mind
and we could have discussed that then. all this time I wanted to
talk with you so bad about this but you wouldn’t talk to me and i
was so frustrated. My gut reaction was intense anger. I will make
a sincere attempt to avoid foul words. but that sounded so
condescending of you to even say that, bcus i’ve certainly heard
you swear to rival a sailor.

>I
>won’t to discuss the facts

I am assuming you mean you WANT to discuss the facts.
whatever that means. I think it means that you don’t like to
hear me tell you how I feel, bcus you don’t want to deal with
hearing about my hurt feelings. it’s just easier for you to be cold
and close this chapter of your life bcus you don’t value me as a
friend. if you read my email, that’s all I have to say to you, and
I can’t imagine that you have anything to say to me. it stopped
being about the money a long time ago. it was about you
abandoning me with no notice for no darn good reason. so I
don’t even know what we would have to discuss. You pay your
bill, I let you have all your stuff. End of discussion.

> and yes I am willing to FACE them no
>problems.

and I have no idea what this means either. you haven’t faced
our problems yet, why start now? the only thing that I would
appreciate hearing from you is “i’m sorry for treating you badly”

and we both know that won’t ever happen bcus you’re so
cold that you don’t really care if you have abandoned me and
hurt me. Somehow you’ve justified it in your mind and you think
you haven’t treated me badly at all. with friends like you, who
needs enemies?

>
>Talk to you later

whatever. bye.
Dory

>
>CAL
>
Current Music: None
Current Mood: distressed

I hate having a soft heart. Why couldn’t I just be a cold hearted bitch?

CAL showed up tonight to pick up all her stuff. She said she wrote me an email to let me know, but she sent it to my msn address that I haven’t used for a long time. So why couldn’t she call me? Here’s the email she sent me:

From: “CAL”

To: Dory @msn.com
SubjecTom: Message from CAL
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 15:39:38 -0500

Hey
I would like to come and pick up my stuff on sunday morning.. I need to collect everything from all houses and storage for my new apartment and could only get a truck for Sunday. If you are at church could you please leave just the bottom locks locked and I will leave everything else for you on the kitchen counter as always.

If you could also switch the tv’s for me so that I can take mine that would be great. Don’t worry about hauling the other one up the stairs you can leave it in the kitchen if you would like.

It was great to hear that you got your cat and that you are really seriously thinking about going back to school. That would be really great for you.

I know that I still owe you money but I have used up all of my savings for the apartment. I have cleared everything else so I should be able to pay you back with my next walmart check. We can get together after the mess of sunday and talk about the rest of that stuff.

Thanks

Talk to you soon.

CAL

This is my response to her:

Well, I just got this after you left. I had no idea you emailed me since I don’t use this address anymore. My primary email address is Dory at hotmail.com. So when you showed up this afternoon, I was caught completely unaware. I sent you a letter, return receipt requested, on Tuesday, and I’ll find out who signed for it. So I can’t help but think you got it, and that triggered the email and the events today. But that doesn’t matter much, now does it? Chris said that you didn’t receive it, so I’ll attach it to this email. You’re probably going to be shocked at the bill, but considering that you’ve been ignoring my calls and voicemails and probably deleting them without listening to them, you wouldn’t have known that I said that I was going to add the 10% late fees and the Non Sufficient Funds charges UNLESS you contacted me. But you didn’t contact me, so I added them per your actions, or lack thereof. We had an agreement that you would pay me rent, and pay your bills, and you were not adult enough, responsible enough, to do that. You wrote me three checks. They bounced. You must have had notice from your bank that these checks bounced, but you weren’t woman enought to let me know right then, and make amends. You promised me payments on your rent and put me off repeatedly. You’re going to realize later on in life that responsible adults don’t do that. They pay their bills on time, especially with priority to a friend that’s trying to help them, and that is counting on it to help make THEIR bills.

Let me start by saying… whatever, woman. Gimme a break. What did you expect me to do, just lay down and let you walk all over me? I’m supposed to sit here and just hold unto your crap indefinItely until it’s convenient for YOU to get your stuff out of my house? No. I don’t think so. You said just a couple months ago, both of us are trying to assert ourselves and not allow people to walk all over us like doormats, and we were going to help each other with that. But you expect me to stand for you just disappearing and then ignoring me. No. Not gonna happen. I’m going to give it my very best shot, and then when you shit on me, I’m not gonna bend over for you to just stick it in my ass. Bzzzt. Wrong answer. But thanks for playing. We have some really shitty parting gifts for ya, folks.

Your email below just shows how fake really you are. You try to sound all friendly, but I know that you don’t give a shit about me, or my kittens, or me getting laid off, or me going to school, or my divorce, or my kids, (gosh, you haven’t had any interaction with them for at least two months after you professed love for them, oh wait that was when you were in a drunken stupor), or for that matter, anything about me at all. You made that painfully clear to me when you turned your back on me when I needed your support the most. All you care about is getting your stuff back. I stuck by you through thick and through thin, and this is the thanks I get. I don’t know why I have the nerve to act surprised. When we look back at your history of friendships, who has been there longer than me, besides your family and JDJ (who could probably be considered family anyway, considering our parent’s friendship.) NO ONE. I’ve ALWAYS been there as other people come and go from your life. I think that you lack friends with history bcus with friendships that you make, either the novelty wears off, or they’re not giving you the undivided attention you think you deserve, or they don’t have anything else to give you that you need. So you just disappear bcus it doesn’t benefit you any longer. You have your projects, like Amber, where you didn’t talk to her until she was almost about to have her baby and you could say, well, I’M at the hospital with Amber, and this baby is gonna be here any minute, so that everyone is like, “oh how wonderful CAL is! Isn’t she just the greatest!” I bet 2 weeks after Amber had her baby, you disappeared from her life. And if you didn’t, it’s bcus she still was able to give you the attention and spotlight you crave. You go through your life chasing drama and playing the victim and making choices that perpetuate that drama so you can say to everyone, “oh poor me, oh pooorrrr meee. I’m so misunderstood and put upon.” News flash, CAL. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. The world does not revolve around you. And if you weren’t so damned selfish, you could put yourself in other people’s shoes for just long enough to realize how your actions affect other people, AND you might feel a little remorse for the pain you’ve brought on other people. I have never had ANYONE, EVER, on God’s green earth EVER treat me as badly as you treated me (not even Tom). Maybe someday, someone will treat you the same way you treated me. Maybe someday you’ll look back on this episode honestly and realize just how horribly you treated me. Maybe you’ll feel some remorse. Not likely, but possible. And you said below that you were going to pay me when you get your check from walmart. Forgive me for not holding my breath. I was never a priority for you. Not once did you pay your rent on time per our agreement. But somehow, you always had money for beer and for going out. I was always last on your list, proven by the fact that you have NEVER paid me rent on time, not even ONCE. And your statement that “we’ll get together after the mess of sunday”, well, forgive me again for not holding my breath. If you ever do contact me again, it will be for your own selfish means rather than any concern at all for my wellbeing. Oh well, shit happens. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Seems to me things started to go downhill when we went to St. Louis. The morning we got there you announced that you had no money bcus walmart screwed up your check but you’d have the money on Friday. I volunteered to pay your way until then and then Friday came and went and you never offered to settle up with me. You just let me keep paying your way throughout the vacation. Then you never paid any of the gas for the trip when we agreed to split it three ways. Then we got back on Sunday night and that was the last night that you slept at my house. Monday night you started sleeping at Chris’s place and never stayed at my house ever again. Maybe then you rationalized it that you weren’t staying at my house anymore so you didn’t owe me any more rent. But you never talked to me about it, you just dodged my calls and ignored me. In the real world, CAL, adults don’t get to just stop paying their housing expenses because they don’t sleep there anymore. Perhaps that’s how you rationalized it. But you were wrong. That’s not how the real world works.

Chris said this afternoon that you have written our friendship off, and that it didn’t hurt you, and that you were already over it. Well, I admit it, CAL, that hurt me. But I guess that just goes to show how much I cherished our friendship, and YOU didn’t. But I know that I did everything in my power to try to work out our deal, and protect our friendship. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR. I tried to call you several times and you saw my number and sent me to voicemail. I left several voicemails, and you deleted them without listening. You hate confrontation so much that you will avoid anything uncomfortable at all and instead of dealing with it, you’ll stick your head in the sand and hope your problems will go away. Well, they don’t. They get bigger.

I’m probably the best friend you ever had, and I stood by you for seven years. Way more times than I can care to count, I’ve laid awake worrying about you (remember when I told you that I was losing sleep worrying about you with Sean, and I’ve laid awake worrying about you very recently) but no more. That’s YOUR loss, CAL, NOT mine. Someday I will forgive you for treating me so badly, but you won’t know it, bcus you won’t contact me, bcus it’s “uncomfortable” and YOUR comfort level is more important to you than OUR friendship. Again, YOUR loss, NOT mine. All I wanted was for you to be there for me and support me as I have done for you in the past, and you let me down. But my REAL friends were there for me and got me through just fine, and they continue to be there for me and care about me. I’m thankful for THEMW. Thank God for my friends that stick by me when I need them, not just when there’s something in it for them.

You said, “I had to find a place to live.” No, you didn’t. I WANTED this all to work out for both of us. I gave you every opportunity to work this out for you to stay here, and for our friendship to be great. I tried to talk to you, I tried to call you, I begged, I pleaded (via voicemail since you were ignoring me) to speak to you and at least let me know you weren’t dead in a ditch. I tried SO hard. In the very beginning, I considered the prior living arrangements you had with Sean and then with the Drama House, and I thought, ‘Ya know what? I’m gonna make this a nice place for CAL to come home to. She deserves to have a safe, peaceful place to rest.’ Fat lot of good THAT did me. I did your laundry, I kept things clean, I welcomed your friends, I made you dinner, I partied with you, anything I could think of to make you happy. And you abandoned me. You turned your back on me. You just disappeared from my life and left me wondering, ‘what the fuck did I do wrong?’ Now I realize I didn’t do anything to deserve the way you treated me, and this was YOUR bad, NOT mine. I have no idea on what grounds YOU justified writing off our friendship after I did nothing to deserve it. But I know in my heart that you have no grounds for writing off our friendship bcus I did everything in my power to protect it. And if it’s not precious enough to you for you to protect it, well, you weren’t the friend I thought you were in the first place and it’s no big loss to me in that case.

IF you reply to this (yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen, you’ll probably delete this without reading it bcus it’s UNCOMFORTABLE) please reply to Dory at hotmail.com bcus I cancelled my msn account and didn’t even know the email was still active.

You’ve went from man to man to man through the years, (not unlike myself), and I pray that cycle will break and you’ll realize your own worth without it needing to be validated by a man in your life. I pray that you see your own beauty and value in your own heart independant of a man. I pray that you’ll find the strength and love within your own heart to live independantly. The opinions of a man should not dictate your own worth. I pray that you lay down at night and see in your own heart the deep well of strength that you possess completely independant from any other human being on earth. I loved you like a sister, CAL, and I don’t regret that and the good times we had. I do regret the great times we would have celebrated together in the future. I miss you already. I do pray blessings upon you and yours, CAL. I wish peace and prosperity upon you.

Dory

Current Music: None
Current Mood: disappointed

She didn’t contact me of course.

I spent the last couple days packing all her stuff up into boxes and I’ll put it in the basement. I’ve been told by several of my friends that the VM warning isn’t enough and that I should put it in writing and give it to her. I’m taking this advice. So this week I’ll draft a short letter to pay by XXX date or I will assume she’s abandoned her personal belongings. I fully expect her to ignore that too. I wish the VM was enough and that I could move on to selling her stuff to try to recover what she owes me and send whatever’s left to goodwill, bcus I don’t want to even see any of her crap. I’ll probably have someone deliver the letter to her down at penguin’s which is the only place I know where to catch her. I couldn’t sleep last night until around 2am. When I am worrying about something, I can’t turn off my brain. I just lay there and stare at the ceiling and fret and fret and fret about it. I finally fell asleep last night by deciding that I needed to think of something else, and I started thinking, what if I won an Ar-Jay designer kitchen? *LOL* So I drifted off to sleep dreaming of color-coordinated kitchen appliances and a breakfast bar. *LOL* I’m a crazy sillyhead, I know.

Current Music: the Browns at the Steelers game, 10-3 in the 2nd
Current Mood: frustrated

Anger Management Issues

Oh. My. God.

I HATE CAL. I hate her with a raw, seething, hate that would cause me to experience great elation if I could punch her in the nose and feel it break beneath my fist.

She has NEVER paid me on time. Not even ONCE. and I just went on my merry way, letting her walk all over me. The first time she went a week of ignoring my calls and VM, I told her that there was nothing more in the world than I hated more than being ignored. She called me crying, and I told her don’t ever fucking ignore me again, CAL. When you ignore your problems, they do not go away. They get bigger. When you put me off and stick your head in the sand, it makes me more and more angry. So then she apologizes profusely, and immediately does it AGAIN. I hate her so fucking much. I want to punch her, then kick her in the fucking stomach. How could she do this to me??? How does someone screw someone over SO FUCKING BIG, and manage to sleep at night??? Here’s what hurts the most. I trusted her. When I swore up and down that I was going to be so more careful, I let her walk all over me. Ever since we got back from St Louis, she quit treating me like a friend should. That’s when she started dodging my calls and ignoring my voicemails. Then when I added the locks and forced her to contact me, she cried and apologized and grovelled, and it was all a fucking act. And then, get this folks! I let her do it AGAIN!!! Another week and a half and she says “I’ll pay you on tuesday” and tuesday comes and she doesn’t, and then “I’ll come home Friday night and give you your money” and then doesn’t and then ignores me for another week. Then I go down to penguin’s where she works and make her talk to me. I tell her she’s treating me wrong and I’m hurt and she’s jeopardizing our friendship. “I had no idea” she says. What the FUCK EVVVERRRR. But hey now, she’s not crying, she’s not apologizing, and she’s giving me some sob story about how she’s been hiding bcus she MIGHT not be able to have children SOMEDAY. THEN she ignores me for ANOTHER week and a half and on Sunday I got pissed enough to write her a letter telling her to pay her bill off and then move out. I called her expecting her to send me to voicemail as usual, and WONDER OF WONDERS, she actually answers her phone. I asked her where she was. She said she was heading over to OUR house to get a couple things and she had money for me. I told her, “I’m on my way over to MY house right now, do not leave until you see me.” I gave her the letter, and she started to read it, and she goes upstairs, comes back down, AND LIKE NOTHING HAS JUST HAPPENED, says, “Can I borrow your broom to sweep in my dad’s house?” I’m like, “I guess so.” and she goes to the door with the broom and she says, “I’ll bring you your broom back tonight. I’ll give you a holler when I’m done.” and LEAVES. *shakes head in disbelief* WHAT THE FUCK?!?! does her sticking-her-head-in-the-sand deal know NO BOUNDS?!?! I bet she started reading it, and it was unpleasant, so she quit reading it and threw it away, because anytime anything is uncomfortable or unpleasant, she pretends it doesn’t exist. So here’s a HUGE surprise, folks… SHE DIDN’T BRING MY BROOM BACK OR CALL ME LIKE SHE SAID SHE WOULD. I know, I know, I almost had a heart attack and died from that surprise. So I called her and she sent me to VM and I said, “you SAID you’d bring my broom back tonight” and then left a vm on monday, I said, “you know the thing that hurts the most is you are willing to let our friendship crash and burn. we’ve been friends for seven years, and that means NOTHING to you. you are willing to hurt me this bad, why?” So, no return call, so tuesday night at 9:40pm, I left her this VM, “CAL, you blatently, obviously, clearly don’t give a shit about this situation. If you do not make face-to-face contact with me within 24 hours, I’m going to have to assume that you’re abandoning this place as residence along with all of your personal belongings.” and I hung up. Not long now until her time’s up. What I know will happen is that she listened to about 2 seconds of the voicemail, and immediately deleted it, bcus that felt UNPLEASANT. I can’t wait until she shows up probably a month from now asking for her stuff. “It’s gone, CAL. I warned you, and you ignored me. Funny how ignoring things doesn’t make them go away. It gets WORSE. what a fucking concept. Too bad you haven’t learned that yet.” Then today I get the cable bill, and her check bounced for that too. Why did I have the nerve to act surprised? Why am I so mad? Oh… My… God… I’m so mad. I’m mad MAD mad MAD mad MMMAAADDD. STUPID… FUCKING… BITCH. I HATE HATE HATE HHHHAAAATTTTEEEE her.

Current Music: TV chattering on inanely in the background and noisy boys
Current Mood: angry

I’ve been downsized

At 4 o’clock yesterday afternoon, I was told that my position was being eliminated. I’m so depressed. And for whatever reason, the first person I called, was Tom. I’m so scared. My job was such a huge part of my life. It’s what I do. I have so much knowledge that means shit now. And to get back into another telecommunications company means getting back on the phones in customer service. *shudders*

Current Music: my kitchen faucet dripping perpetually
Current Mood: depressed

[no subject]

[10:34] Dory: funny kid story…
[10:34] Jamie: oh ya?
[10:35] Dory: last night, I had to change Dino and I told him, “Dino, you’re s’posed to be trying to do this in the potty.” he said, “sorrrrry, mommy” and Rocky chimed in, “sorry doesn’t cut it, Dino”

[10:35] Dory: I had to stifle my laughter as I said, “Rocky, mind your own bizness, dood.”
Current Music: None
Current Mood: None