I’ve been having a pretty hard time with the idea of having an almost teenager. But it’s kind of bittersweet. I will miss his baby-ness and his boy-ness, but I dearly love the lower maintenance version of my manchild.
I no longer have to worry about providing some sort of foodular sustinance about every four hours for my youngling. On Saturday mornings, the fruitbat of my loins gets up, get dressed, takes meds, makes and eats his own breakfast, and quietly (hoo buddy, if that lesson didn’t take some stellar parenting technique ass whuppin’!) watches cartoons. I, on the other hand, am free to sleep until I’m damn good and ready to haul my lazy ass out of bed. He mows the lawn. He does chores (most of the time without any threats negative reinforcement). Today I went to Tarzhay and picked up some Noxema pads for his first zit, and because I’m just that cool, a Rubik’s Cube. You know, for Just Because day. I was feeling kind of nostalgic.
That stopped the moment I picked him up from school.
He came walking up to the car with a friend, and much to my surprise, said friend enters my vehicle. *blink* *blink blink* Ah, what’s the happy-haps, man?
He indignantly replied, “Mom, I asked you about this on Wednesday.”
“Aaaand, could you enlighten me as to my response, because it completely escapes my memory.”
“I said, ‘Mom, I wondered, can Friend come stay the night Friday’ and you said, ‘Ok, let me ask Dad.'”
“Aaaand, somehow this translated directly into ‘Sure thing, son, we’re on?!'”
Hunky had been on the phone so he needed to be brought up to speed. As soon as he was, he said, “You know your Mom forgets things, and that if her answer involves talking to me about it, that is not the green light.”
Resignedly, because we’re complete and utter lame-os who must be grudgingly tolerated, “Ok,” he says.
So we drove home, and all went into the house and scattered; the boys to do their thing, and HunkyDory to do their thing. (That would be goofing around on the Innernets on each of their respective computers. Sheesh.) Before they scattered like roaches when you turn a light on, I unceremoniously tossed the Noxema pads and Rubik’s Cube at Rocky with a terse, “Use morning and night.” Hrmph. Damn nostalgia.
About an hour went by, and all of a sudden, I wrinkled my nose and inhaled a little more deeply.
OMG, something’s on fire!
Just then, Hunky came out of his cave office, and said, “Do you smell cigarette smoke?”
Oh. No. He. DIH-ENT! Uh, duh, I’m a smoker! I know cigarette smoke, especially when it’s not supposed to be in my damn house. Oh, haaay-ells, no, kid; I don’t even get to smoke in my damn house!
“Where’s it coming from?”
At the same moment, our heads turned to the closed bathroom door about 10 feet away. And our jaws dropped. Then our voices.
“Would Friend actually be smoking in the bathroom?!”
“Are you shitting me?! He couldn’t be that dumb, could he?!”
[Pause for a second, because I want to share a thought that popped in my mind. HunkyDory on Whose Line Is It Anyway? and we’re doing the skit where you can only ask questions. Ok, moving on.]
“You wouldn’t think so, would you?”
“What are we going to do about it?”
“We, who, white man?!”
“You’re going to leave me to deal with this alone?!?!”
“Is a Bear Catholic?!?!”
[Pause again, ha, he loses! Dory wins! The crowd roars! Ok, moving on.]
So Friend comes out of the bathroom. I’ll save you the gory details, but there was a very stern talking-to, in which it was communicated that not only was smoking a really bad idea, but smoking in someone else’s non-smoking house was an even worse idea. I threw in my two cents by grumpily reiterating my point that I didn’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. Friend’s Dad was called. (Times like this make me really ok with the fact that I can’t use the phone anymore.) And Friend was picked up about a half hour later.
Because I don’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. That’s the important part to take away from this experience. Riiiiight.
Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Please keep all body parts within the vehicle. And a reminder that no smoking is allowed on this ride; if smoke is detected, the sprinklers will automatically turn on, and an electric shock will go off under the offender’s ass. Because I don’t even get to smoke in my own damn house. Thank you for your cooperation.