MEN SUCK ASS.

I had a really relaxing weekend. I went shopping with CB on Saturday and then took a 2 hour nap. I bought a new terra cotta plant for the orchid Tom gave me and a pot with cut outs on the side and some petunias to plant in it. On Sunday I slept in so I missed church (*slaps own wrist*) and then went over to Tom’s and watched “Signs” (sucked) and “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (I just love Janene Garafolo). Last night I got the orchid moved into his new pot (he’s just thrilled) and I potted the petunias in that weirdo pot with the cutouts on the side and this was not an easy task. I almost took a hammer to it.

Sometimes my impulses scare me. I poured myself a glass of wine last night and drank it. I was sitting at the table reading a book (Dark Horse by Tami Hoag, I highly recommend it) and kinda playing with the glass, turning it by the slim delicate leg of the glass right above the base. Suddenly, I got the strongest impulse to pick up the glass and slam it (no, slam isn’t a strong enough word) into the window behind me. Not once. Repeatedly. I wanted to hear the glass shatter and feel it disintegrate and stomp on the shards. Even thinking about it now, I feel my heart rate rise and tears come behind my eyes.

Tom and I got into a big discussion last night about boundaries regarding people of the opposite sex. He was upset that I wouldn’t tell him exactly where I’d been or who I’d been with. I told him all he needed to know was that I wasn’t sleeping with someone else. Beyond that, it’s none of his business. He said, no, it was, because he needed to know where I was setting my boundaries so he could set his accordingly. He said he needed to know, was there flirting? hand-holding? kissing? I said it shouldn’t matter to him where I set my boundaries, bcus I set them for myself, not him. I set them appropriately as to be comfortable with my own integrity. He said he needed to know bcus if he was in a situation, he needed to know what I was ok with so he wouldn’t “get in trouble” later. I told him he should do what he was comfortable with. He was going off about how maybe me leaving was just wanting to be single. No, this is about me not wanting to share my life totally with him anymore. He betrayed me in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to share my heart with him again. He said that when I wouldn’t tell him where I was or who I was with or what I was doing then he just had to imagine the worst. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. I had to deal with imagining the same thing but knowing it was true. I had to deal with the mental image of him having cyber sex then phone sex with the internet chick. I read the chat logs. Then I had to deal with the mental image of him and carrie together, knowing that he did it repeatedly knowing full well what the consequences would be. This has haunted me for over two years now. So sit there and wonder and imagine, buddy. And if he decides he meets someone and has to decide how far he’s going to go, well, so be it. I left him, and when I did, I also took the risk that he may decide that he doesn’t want to be married to me either. It goes both ways. Once we have separate households and we’re not seeing each other every day, I’m not going to ask where he was or who he was with or what he was doing (not that I’m doing that now). I’m going to work on getting my shit together and deciding what I want. This is not about me finding someone else that I want to be with. This is not about me getting revenge for the cybersex and phone sex and him having an affair with my best friend. This is about me deciding if I can share my life with him after he betrayed me so deeply. This is about me healing my heart and being okay with me.
Here’s the thing; and this is a real question, not a rhetorical one: What does it say about me that I set my boundaries (don’t cheat on me or I’ll leave you) and that he shit on that and I stayed?
Does that say I am weak for letting him get away with that?
Am I strong for trying to forgive him all this time?
Am I weak for not being able to forgive him after all this time?
Am I strong for putting my foot down and stating that I don’t deserve to be treated like that so I’m leaving?
Am I weak for not continuing to try to do whatever I was doing?
Am I strong for recognizing I can’t keep living my life this way? For destroying the facade that perpetuated my misery?

Our relationship is so odd. We still laugh and talk and joke and hug sometimes. And sometimes I can tell that he’d love a small kiss on the lips, and I decide if I can do that, and sometimes I can. In three months, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve slept together. It’s been good, it’s been bad. It’s felt phenomenal, it’s felt terrible in the morning. Just a few times, and almost completely opposite experiences. What made the difference? I don’t know.
I can honestly say I still love him. But I don’t think I can trust him or respect him like I did before. What is a marriage without trust and respect?
…further updates as events warrant… ๐Ÿ˜‰
love… Dory

Current Music: Cake – I Will Survive!
Current Mood: thoughtful

IM (obviously) from 05/01/2003

—- New Conversation [Thu, 2:27 pm] —-
Dory says: help me understand.
MW says: if I can
Dory says: is anyone shoulder surfing now?
MW says: not that I am aware
Dory says: the last time this happened, it was my understanding that I was not to contact you at all. then later you said, “you evaporated” and I said “you told me to!” and you said “how?” then I was confused. So, my understanding is that I am not to contact you at all. Am I correct?
MW says: brb
MW says: So I;m coming back from the airport and I realize
that it’s only 12:30 so I says to myself, “self, you can play cards today,” which is a wonderful thing because I like to play cards. So then I says to myself, “self, will that screw up you or Dory?” And I’m not sure what to do or what to say. And then I think. One day, I will run into Dory and want to say hi and I’d rather have that sooner than later, but she needs her space, but I’m stressed to death. And I decide, to myself, that I need to go play cards. If Dory is there, I will say hi. “Hi”. If she isn’t, I’ll just play cards. Cause I need a break and I can’t keep thinking about everything at
work. So I went to the Cafe and saw you and played cards.
MW says: There. That’s much clearer.
Dory says: I thought this was about YOU needing YOUR space to figure out you and b.
MW says: Does this mean I shouldn’t play cards tomorrow?
Dory says: no
MW says: I have to be alive. I will run into you. I need to supress anything that resembles affection for you. I need to figure out where B and I stand. I need to relax at times. I need friends. I need
MW says: not to hurt you
MW says: often, I’m too much for myself. I don’t want to be too much for you.
Dory says: what I need to know is, am I not to contact you?
Dory says: I need to know the rules.
MW says: that’s fair.
Dory says: are you still thinking about the answer?
MW says: yes
MW says: And reviewing some work
Dory says: k
Dory says: take your time
MW says: I think I need to say no. Its not fair to you to leave an “opening” while I try to figure things out. But I want to say yes, because I love to hear what you have to say. But if I say yes, it sets us up in the same spiral we have been in over the last 3 months. But if I say no, I fear I will never get to talk to you again. And you have the Faygo.
Dory says: ;oj
Dory says: ok, but can you also see that it is not fair that I am not to contact you, but it’s ok for you to contact me?
Dory says: and I can allow joint custody of the Faygo.
MW says: It is absolutely unfair. You are absolutely correct. I am a guy. I am rarely fair. I like Faygo. Especially Rock and Rye.
Dory says: ok, but don’t say later, “you evaporated” like it was a big surprise to you. I hate this. This is not what I want. And Faygo is the best soda in the universe. Especially Rock N Rye.
MW says: What do you want? I’m not sure.
MW says: other than Rocka nd Rye.
MW says: which I’m hoping you’ll share
Dory says: I want you to be happy. I want to see your smile.
Dory says: I’m a good share-er
MW says: yeah? Well I want you to be happy. ) (that’s a
smile). But what do youwnat for you>

Dory says: I want to be happy. this ain’t it. but from what you’ve said, no contact is necessary for you to figure things out. so I will have to be unhappy. but only in this particular area in my life. I have other areas to find happiness in.
MW says: Yeah. And they probably invlolve Faygo, and you have all of it
Dory says: ๐Ÿ˜›
Dory says: so… do you want NO contact from me unless you
initiate it?
MW says: I think that would be best for both of us. Why? What did you have in mind?
Dory says: *shrugs* just clarifying the rules. and the biggest problem I’m having with this situation is feeling rejected by you.
MW says: hmm
MW says: My biggest problem is I don’t want to reject you. You are wonderful, and special, and comfortable, and you like Rock and Rye, and funny, and pretty, and silly, and thoughtful, and
MW says: my friend
MW says: And we are stuck in odd timing
Dory says: hmm
MW says: So through Sunday I’m in town, and on sunday night B returns. Do I spend time with you and feel like I’m misleading you until then? Am I misleading myself every time we are together (probably, b/c you are not even ready for a relationship beyond Tom yet). And you need to know how wonderful oyu are. Can I just tell you? Is that enough? I’m terrible with rules; making them and following them.
MW says: And you are my friend.
Dory says: hmm
MW says: BTW. I’m probably going to leave soon. I just need to get away from this place before I lose my mind.
MW says: or any more of it
MW says: probably more accurate
Dory says: I don’t know, MW, this sucks. I am most assuredly not happy.
MW says: but I smiled at you
Dory says: yes you did
Dory says: *thinking*
Dory says: I don’t know.
MW says: Do you want to see me?
Dory says: yes.
MW says: wont that mess us up again again?
Dory says: *deep sigh*
MW says: PS – I like seeing oyu
Dory says: I don’t think it will mess up me. I guess it would mess up you.
MW says: It won’t mess you up to see you all weekend and then turnyou off on Sunday?
Dory says: I don’t think I could see you all weekend anyway. I have plans all over it. *rolls eyes*
MW says: I understand
MW says: Being a social butterfly, I’m surprised you’ve talked to me at all. ๐Ÿ™‚
Dory says: ๐Ÿ˜›
Dory says: what’s that mean???
MW says: thank you for the time you’ve shared with me
MW says: I love every moment
MW says: I appreciate you bending your schedule to make room for me
Dory says: it would probably mess you up if we went for dinner saturday night.
MW says: I am honored that you would spend any time with me
MW says: like, went to dinner where
Dory says: *shrugs*
MW says: I’ve never heard of them
MW says: do they hav good food?
Dory says: *snert*
Dory says: walk out with me tonight?
MW says: gonna fly soon. call me when you leave?
Dory says: at 5:01
MW says: sure
Dory says: tonight I have to run back to my dad’s and grab my camera, then I have to be at grant school on the SW side by 6:45
Dory says: that is what I have to work around
MW says: I have to get home and fix dinner fo rthe kids, Pick up Nick at 6:30, and go on a date with Donna at 7
Dory says: ok so we’re just walking out together ๐Ÿ™‚
MW says: but I should be around by 9:45ish
Dory says: hmmmm
MW says: you ready to leave now?
Dory says: I can’t… twyla’s here.
MW says: call me at 5?
Dory says: k
This user has logged off

Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

[no subject]

Rocky’s spring program was last night… *wipes away a tear* My baby’s first spring program! Of course it was just unbearably cute!
Afterwards, we (tom, me, boys) went to Perkins for supper. I talked to Tom on a deeper level than I should have and ended up feeling ooogie. Completely by habit, I told him about something important that had happened to me and regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. It would have ended up being okay, but then we discussed it further. Would have been much easier if he’d just nodded and listened, and in fact if he wanted to be devious, he could have just listened and let me put my foot in my mouth and used it against me later. Who knows, maybe he will anyway. Then he’s like, “Well, now that I’ve done irreparable damage, I’m going to shut up.” I didn’t say anything to that. I was too busy mentally kicking myself for sharing too much. I need to just shut up.
Offered to have him get out of the house tonight. He said, “I don’t have a life. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anyone to go with.” Well, dammit, I do. I mentioned a few people and he shot it all down. “He’s married. He’s working. They’re just going to go get drunk.” Maybe HE needs to just go get drunk. Okay, so he isn’t interested in getting out of the house. But if I am, then he will use that against me later. “You just go out with your friends while I’m stuck at home with the kids.” Well, dammit, I offered, and he declined. To me, that revokes his bitching rights.
My biggest conflict in my life right now is this: I do not want to hurt Tom. I want to be happy. BUT far as I can see, if I am happy, then Tom will be hurt. BUT (AGAIN)… My life, right now, is not reality. I am so anxious to get into my own place, bcus that will show me reality of life on my own, not seeing Tom every day, only having my boys 50% of the time, managing my own finances (broke broke broke), etc. Then I can honestly be better equipped to make the decision of whether or not I want to share my life with Tom again. I will be able to compare life on my own, to life with Tom, and say to myself, “Where do I find happiness?”

I’m in limbo now. It sucks, but it has its perks.
Just talked to Tom on the phone and he asked what I was doing tonight. I said I didn’t know yet. He said that if I didn’t find anything to do, then he’d like to try to find something to do. Which puts the ball right back in my court. So it can be my fault later when we get in an argument. People areound here (work) don’t start talking about what they’re doing after work until late afternoon, so I don’t even know if any of my friends are going out yet. Ppplllbbbttttttttttt.
love… Dory
Current Music: Lifehouse – Hanging by a moment
Current Mood: contemplative

MW

here it is thursday. MW shut us off on monday night. I think I’m upset mostly bcus of the rejection. the other couple times we ended up not speaking it was bcus I had said something like, “should we not interact then?” expecting him to say, “no, we’re fine” and instead he was like, “maybe that’d be best”. but this time, it was his idea. and he said he was gonna tell me on friday but didn’t want to ruin my weekend in michigan. I s’pose that was nice of him, but I’m annoyed by that for some reason. it’s upsetting to see him come and go on my jabber list. i’ve just got to get over that. I have to remember how much simpler my life is going to be to figure out without him in the equation. it’s more fair to tom that he not be in the picture. it’s better for me also to be strong on my own. I don’t need him there for me, but he was nice to rest on. he’s a great listener. but sure not a great talker. all evasive or giving me answers he thinks I want to hear. and if we were together, it wouldn’t take long for him to find someone else to be with. and not only would there be an ex-wife to deal with, but an ex-girlfriend too, who works with him. what the hell was I thinking even getting messed up in that! DUH! I was getting all detached from him, then monday night he had to pull that shit, and we always want what we can’t have. I need to keep working on detaching myself from him. I need to keep reminding myself of “regularly. not quite daily”. That works REALLY well.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

[no subject]

Last night I got the pics off my camera and my dad’s camera from The Seester’s graduation weekend. Then I watched “Two Weeks Notice” and was asleep by 10. I didn’t go over to Tom’s at all last night, and when I picked up the kids this morning, he seemed mad at me. I can’t do anything about it, so I won’t be bothered by it. Yeah, right.
Dory
Current Music: work chatter in the background
Current Mood: discontent

[no subject]

I had mentioned to Tom last night that “Two Weeks Notice” just came out on DVD and I wanted to pick that up. This morning I went out to my car and found it sitting on the driver’s seat. Must be the DVD fairy visiting me!
Current Music: None
Current Mood: mellow

I can see clearly now… the rain has come…

I ended up leaving work at noon yesterday. I went home, ordered a pizza and watched a movie w/stepbro, J; then took a 3 hour nap. I went over to tom’s and played with the boys. Watched tv w/tom. With all the excitement from the past weekend in Michigan, I got off my meds and my depression too quickly became a little more than I could handle. I guess sometimes you just gotta cry.
By mutual decision, and for its own good, one of my friendships has been halted. I’m so sad about it, but really, it’s just one less thing to complicate my life, I guess. But that had a definate hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
I am so thankful for my friends. At least 2-3 times a day, someone either calls, or stops by my desk, or IM’s; just to say, “are you doing ok?” I’ve been separated from Tom since 02/08/2003; almost 3 months. In some ways, it’s gotten easier. In some ways, it’s gotten harder. I have such a conflict in my heart about what I need to do to be happy. Ooof, that’s too much to think about now. We’ll explore that more later.
Got a letter from the IRS that they’re sending our tax refund to the Iowa Student Aid Commission. Bastards. Tom called them and asked if the IRS would do that, and they said no, since we’ve made 11 good payments, they wouldn’t do that. So now I have to write a letter of appeal to the IRS to get my refund. That was s’posed to be my earnest money to make my bid on that house this week. Rat bastards. That definItely also had a hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
Well, Sparky (my fish here at work) says that it’s time for me to get to work. He’s always been a bit of a spoilsport. But he’s right, I guess.
Further updates as events warrant…. :o)
love… Dory
Current Music: Avril Lavigne
Current Mood: melancholy