Trying to learn the harmony part to Sound of Silence; nothing to see here

How does a deaf chick learn new music? Very carefully. Take out the HAs and don old fashioned, cover-the-ear, noise murdering headphones turned up to a dangerous level. Make sure no one’s home. And sing like the rockstar I feel like.

This is one piece of my hearing world I’m not ready to let go of… my love of music in all its complexities and pieces. What I have might be almost shot, but I’ll use it until it dies. It will not go quietly into that good night.

 

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

“Fools” said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.”
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, “The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.”
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence.

(lyrics bold I need to practice hitting the lowest note)

(or raise just that phrase an octave? too weird?)

The One my IRL friends totally won’t get. If you know the term “blogosphere” then join me, won’t you?

Are you disenchanted with the idea of the blogging community? No? Only me? Okfine. Then I’ll just write this to myself.

Disclaimer: This post has been brought to you by several weeks of sleep deprivation, clinical depression, and probably what is (if I’m being honest with myself) a little bit of sour grapes. I feel all dark and twisty; all ridiculously emo like someone half my age. All the angst plus fine lines and stretch marks! SCORE!

I’m taking a risk; this post could create some backlash against me. The blogosphere doesn’t take kindly to back talk against it. I hope it’s taken in the spirit it’s intended, which is not one of hostility but rather a yearning for discussion.

I’ve never been one who wants to stir up a shitstorm or create drama; that’s not the intention of this post. I’ve never been a boat rocker. I’ve never even had a troll. If I’ve ever been meant to have a troll jump out from under the bridge, this is the post that’ll do it. I don’t take critism well. I tend to find the nearest corner into which I can curl up into the fetal position and rock while sucking my thumb. I’m preparing myself to either get flamed or get ignored. I’m not sure which I fear worse– Dory, you’re kidding me, right?! You expected MORE you moron?! Do you live IRL or blog-world?! (A little of both actually) or ominous silence.

So what is my intention? Well, these words have been percolating for quite a while. I’ve NOT said this for months and I’m hoping that by doing so I may break some writer’s block. I’m also hoping that I’m going to discover that it’s not just me. Hopefully, I’m not alone. And maybe by thinking out loud here (which I do quite often) I can discover a solution to my discontent.

Here goes nothing. *jumps from the plane and pulls the rope*

My number one objective for blogging has always been this: a desire for connection. For finding people I get, and that get me. For stumbling across a kindred spirit.

My second objective for blogging has been this: to affect people with my writing. Whether I make you laugh or cry or think or snort with derision is not important; just as long as I affect you, I feel my mission has been accomplished.

I’ve been blogging since 2003. At first, it was just to friends and family on LiveJournal, but then I became aware of the blogosphere in 2007 and set up camp on Blogger. I loved the idea of connecting with other writers online and the whole concept of “blogging community.” I met a few really super cool people (I’m looking at YOU, Country Girl, City Girl, MelodyAnn, Abby, and Fabs) that really connected with and for that I am truly thankful.

Back then when I was all starry eyed with the blogosphere, I was completely enamored of the idea of the blogging community; the comments, the give and take, the camaraderie of this shared insanity that is blogging.

I mean, let’s face it; it takes a blogger to get a blogger. None of my IRL friends have any inclination to blog. I’ve never even met a blogger face to face.

And unlike In Real Life, my Deafness was not a factor whatsoever. (I’ll try to be concise on this idea, but I smell a whole ‘nother post coming from this one point.) You don’t have to have hearing to participate fully in the blogging community. I felt this was an area of my life where I could be on level ground with everyone else, instead of missing a great deal of what was going on around me. Plus, I was looking forward to the opportunity of meeting lots of other D/HoH bloggers; ideally, late deafened ones that share my experience. We aren’t equal participants in the hearing world, but oftentimes we’re not completely accepted by deaf world either. We’re a weird lot. We probably don’t have a deaf ‘accent’ because we were deafened post-lingually; our hearing aids are next to invisible; we’re less likely to demand our right for an interpreter and instead make do with residual hearing and speechreading; we offer no clue to you that we need acceptance and accommodation to be on equal ground with you. We experience the “real” world very differently and it can be quite isolating.

I saw the community that was going on around me, and I wanted to become a part of it. I started out with about 40 blogs that I felt I could really connect with the author, and set up my reader. I taught myself; RSS, Subscribe, Feedburner, search engine, keywords, memes, all of these were all completely unknown concepts to me in May 2007. But I researched and studied and learned stuff and set up my own little online living room in Blogger. Then I set about reading and commenting my little heart out all over the place. I wasn’t sure how to comment at first, but quickly came up with the strategy of picturing this author sitting across the table from me, sharing a coffee or a beer, and thinking, what would I actually say to this person. I really invested myself.

I knew it would take time to become accepted. But after a few months went by, I found the return on my investment unsatisfactory. I had erroneously hypothosized that if I invested in them, they would invest in me. But I wasn’t getting the connection, the interaction, I thought I would get. Surely, I thought, I am worth at least getting to know. I don’t think I’m coming on too strong and setting off people’s stalkeradar. Why aren’t people responding to me? I asked myself. What’s wrong with me?

Okfine, I thought, I need to show them I’m serious. I’m in this 110%. In August 2008, I put on my big-girl-blogger panties and bought my domain and hosting. I spent hours days setting up on WordPress, learning about widgets and CSS and fussing with the design. I saw my blog, and it was good. And I thought, now, now they will see I’m in it for the long haul. I got right back to reading and putting my heart and soul into the comments I left in my wake. I really put myself out there in my posts, offered myself up at my most vulnerable.

Now it’s February 2010 (can you believe it?!) and here I am, still dissatisfied with the blogging experience I’ve had. Years later.

I’m tired. I’m tired of taking five hours to craft one post and getting no comments on it. I’m tired of reading about the blogger meetups and the resulting lovefests and feeling left out. I’m tired of checking my stats and being disappointed that I haven’t broke 50 subscribers yet. I’m tired of reading about the awards and the different strategies for garnering votes, both the ones who take the high road and the ones who choose the low. I’m tired of reading about 100s, even 1000s of bloggers flocking to one blogger’s plight. Sour grapes? Probably. I’ll own that. But I wasn’t asking for donations or votes or 1000 subscribers or a trip to Disney. I was only asking for some connection; ok, I’ll admit it– I was asking to feel the looove. But all these years later, all I feel is that I’m pressing my nose up against the window, on the outside looking in.

I don’t think I’m deluding myself. I know that I’ll never receive an email from Dooce. I’ll never go stay a weekend at the Lodge with Ree. I know that an A-Lister will never actually strike up a friendship with me or find me interesting enough to talk to seriously.

But what about all those bloggers (probably 100s now that I’ve been at this a few years) that have maybe 50, 100, at most under 1000 readers, that I’ve laid myself vulnerable by sharing with them my personal experiences in their comment section? Some I sent encouraging emails with an “I’ve been there and I’m on the other side and you’ll get there too” or an “I’m really impressed with your writing, keep up the good work” or an “Your photos are striking and you have a great eye for composition.” And gotten nothing, zero, zilch in return. Not even, “Thanks for the encouragement” or “Your words came at just the right time.” I’ve even offered framed 5x7s in their choice of images for virtual housewarmings that they’ve thanked me for, but never actually collected on. Can you see my frustration in the fact that my photography sucks so effing much that I CAN’T EVEN GIVE IT AWAY?! That my words mean so little that they don’t even warrant a response?!

Something’s got to give.

I can’t any more.

Maybe I’ve had the wrong objectives all along. Maybe connection and affecting people was just too much to hope for. I’m just thisclose to unsubscribing everyone in my reader and closing comments on all my posts just so I can avoid the disappointment. Maybe even prove to myself that I can just write for the sheer joy of writing.

But in my heart, I crave that connection that the blogging community seemingly offers but that remains so elusive to me.

I’m tired of my blogging experiences being a trigger of so many depressive episodes.

I’m tired of feeling like the kid in Sp Ed who is trying to be friends with the captain of the varsity cheerleaders.

I’m tired of feeling so alone in the blogosphere. I get enough of that In Real Life.

Am I the only one?

2009 Didn’t Totally Suck Ass. *whew*

Yet another “Best of 2009” post to clog up your Google Reader! Woo Hoo!

Top Pet Peeve About 2010

I can’t give you a sensible reason for this little bit of craziness, but I absolutely abhor the phrase “twenty ten.” Every time I hear someone say that, it makes my eye twitch. “Two thousand ten” will do nicely, thankyouverymuch. Is this just me being insane, or is anyone else in this particular crazy boat with me?

Top 10 Commenters

These folks were nice enough to leave me little nuggets of verbal cocaine this year. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and two cents, Mah Peepull.

  1. CityGirl (62)
  2. fatboyfat (13)
  3. Andi (12)
  4. Tom (12)
  5. Heather (11)
  6. Jocelyn (9)
  7. BrownEyedGirl (8)
  8. Musing (8)
  9. Trienne (8)
  10. Raven (8)

Top 10 Viewed Posts

Last year, my top viewed posts were mostly people coming to a certain post from another blogger’s page. I saw a lot more traffic from search engines this year.

  1. How to play with Pieces of Flair on Facebook (warning: SEVERE TIME SUCK.) (444)
  2. I’d like to call this meeting to order… (402)
  3. Dory Data (181)
  4. Photoshop Phriday #6: Make Those Eyes POP! (166)
  5. Coming soon to a sarcastic inappropriate greeting card line near you! (164)
  6. You’re looking right up her skirt. (141)
  7. Now I’m deaf AND I have a goose-egg on my forehead from bashing it on my desk. HAWSUM. (130)
  8. Joyce Meyer 27th Annual Women’s Conference (123)
  9. Joyce Meyer 26th Annual Women’s Conference (122)
  10. Photoshop Phriday #5: Drawing Attention with Selective Color (110)

Top Referrers

Again, different from last year. For the most part, traffic came from DeafRead and various social media rather than from other bloggers. This coming year I’m going to try to comment more on others’ blogs to change that.

  1. deafread.com (328)
  2. countrygirl-citygirl.blogspot.com (136)
  3. google.com/reader/view (130)
  4. twitter.com/dorydorydory (128)
  5. blogexplosion.com/members/surf.php (59)
  6. blogger.com/profile/14433908788658936… probably people clicking on me in others’ comment sections(47)
  7. facebook.com/home.php? (45)
  8. 42wallabywaysydney.blogspot.com My old blog, now closed (40)
  9. wiki.onehertz.com/WordPress/Mandigo/S… (39)
  10. entrecard.com/category/browser?catego… (35)

Top 12 Posts

The best post from each month handpicked by yours truly.

JanuaryI wish I had a nickel for every time I heard or read the word HOPE today.

“…I wouldn’t be able to stay where he could find me; I didn’t trust either of us. I didn’t trust him to let me go without manipulative speech to wear me down, or physical pain when that didn’t work. I didn’t trust myself to stand up to his physical presence and promises of change that had never been honored in the past.”

FebruaryYou could stumble/kirtsy/digg it. Or open your window and yell. You know; whatever works.

“…It was simply astonishing. I can hear the police car before I see it in the mirror, the birds, conversation… oh, and music. Oh, wow. Oh, wow oh wow oh wow. Music sounds right. Since my mids are gone, I can’t hear melody well at all, so music sounded… off. I can hear the bass parts well and some background, so it ends up odd or off-key unless I turn it waaay up, enough that it would do damage and prematurely deafen me. Which reminds me of another cool little extra… because these have like a noise-canceling little stopper inside the ear, it actually protects my cochlea from loud noise damage. When loud noise hits the receiver, it actually turns it down before it transmits the sound to my cochlea, so I still hear it some, but it’s buffered a little bit to avoid further damage…”

MarchConsider the economy duly stimulated.

“…New Ears… New Job… New Phone… New Furnace… New Computer… …The rest of it goes to *sigh* BILLS. But I certainly can’t complain. It’s just so amazing to me how God makes sure we have everything we need and even some things we want. We’re so blessed…”

AprilTop Ten Reasons You Know You’re on Graveyard Shift

“…7. If you have a high-energy dog such as, say, a Jack Russell, you catch her vibrating while she’s standing still because she insisted on sleeping 6 hours with spouse and 8 hours with you. She has so much energy she can’t even stand herself. The vibrating reaches a fever pitch. Then her head explodes…”

MayThe One Where She Narrowly Avoided a Punch in the Throat a Little Bit

“So, My Writing Mojo has been MIA for a couple months now. I came just short of putting out an APB when she flounced in unceremoniously this morning, dropped her bag on the floor, flopped on the couch with her feet up on one arm, and turned on the TV…”

JuneComing soon to a sarcastic inappropriate greeting card line near you!

“Just in case you hadn’t noticed, I am a talented and very serious artist. I call this… Mixed Message. (Only click through if there are no bosses, kiddies, kitties, members of the clergy, Dakota Fanning, or baskets of fluffy chicks and goslings present.)…”

JulyThe Top Ten Items to Donate to Mission of Hope or YOUR Local Mission

“The Mission of Hope has been busier than ever lately; even busier than after last year’s flood, and that’s really saying something. Supply is short and needs are long. What? What’s that you said? “Really, Dory, I had no idea! How can I help?”…”

AugustShe’s gettin’ a tattoo, She’s gettin’ ink done, She asked for a 13 but they drew a 31…

“Well, I’ve been threatening to get a Dory tattoo for several months now, and today I put my needle where my mouth is.”

SeptemberJoyce Meyer 27th Annual Women’s Conference

“Once upon a time last Thursday, three Godsisters went to St. Louis. And it was even better than last year! Outside the Edward Jones Dome, they took their own picture right before they went in for the first session of the Joyce Meyer Women’s Conference…”

OctoberI can’t unsee whut I saw’d

“…The world went into slow motion plus extreme close-up, and as I went by, I saw him turn his head and mouth a tiny, afraid MEW….”

NovemberThe Veteran’s Day Edition

“…I am a veteran. I just wish I could have been a better one.”

DecemberThe snow flies and Cedar Rapids screams like a little bitty girl.

“These pics aren’t great, but I was just outside smoking and took them with my trusty iPhone to share with you. They’ll have to do, I suppose…”

Top Big Sigh of Relief That I Don’t Have to Award The Top Tall Finger From Last Year

All in all, 2009 was much better than 2008, THANK GOD.

2009 brought me hearing aids, which brought me back phone use and a JOB that (bonus plan, baby!) I LOVE. 2009 also brought me some freelance graphic work, sales of my photography, and Tom’s graduation with his BSW.

Here’s to 2010 with an abundance of love, happiness, and prosperity for all of us.

Family Ties, Season 1! Old SitCom Guilty Pleasures FOR THE WIN!

I haven’t mentioned my ears lately.

Except for that trouble I had a couple months ago, they really help me get through life a little easier and allow me to be much more independant than I’d be without them. I definitely wouldn’t have this job at the shelter without them.

But they don’t make me ‘hearing’.

I still can’t get my phone loud enough to suit me unless I use my earbuds and even then it’s not always loud enough. I do still have to speechread some. I still have to use captioning. If someone starts talking to me and we’re not face to face, if you flip a coin, you’ll have about the same odds of getting heads as I do at recognizing what was said.

Hunky signed up for Netflix a couple months ago.

These two subjects connect, I promise!

I didn’t really pay much attention to his Netflix until tonight. I went in and started rooting around in his queue, and wondering how we ever managed to get married.

Profiles to the rescue!

I made a profile for myself in his account and set up my own queue. (If you want to ‘friend’ me over there, you can find me by the email address above.) I filled out my preferences and rated about 100 movies. I had a blast going through the suggestions, then noticed something even more intriguing… streaming movies! I can watch whatever movie I want?! NOW?! Woo hoooooo!

See, a few months ago, I put another gem in my Gadget Queen tiara. I bought a cable that hooks my laptop to my 50″ TV. So, Movies NOW + 50″ TV = Dory’s happy dance commences!

I hooked it up and installed the software. I started up my first streaming movie (see title *points up there* and p.s. Hunky can’t stand that crap!) and got comfy on the couch.

I got real disappointed, real fast.

No captions.

No subtitles.

No happy dance.

I tried messing with the settings in the lower right hand corner of the video, like you do on YouTube. Nothing.

I went to the Netflix website. Here’s what I found:

Q:
Can I see subtitles or closed captions while watching movies instantly on my PC?

A: Foreign-language movies streamed to your PC, Mac, or TV have subtitles “burned in” to the video (“open captions”). However, we do not currently provide closed captions or subtitles for English language movies when streamed, although you can find them on most of our DVDs.
The technologies we use for streaming do not yet adequately support closed captions, and most viewers object to permanently visible open captions, which they cannot turn off, burned into the video stream for English-language content. We are working on delivering closed captions or optional subtitles in a future technology update, probably first for PCs and Macs, probably sometime in 2010, and later for various TV-connected devices as new firmware can be created and the devices updated.

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?!

With all the crap developers come up with to make the Intar-Webs sparkle, they haven’t come up with this technology yet? Are you kidding me?

Maybe hearing people reading this don’t understand why I feel so strongly. Let me ask you this: how would you feel if, all of the sudden, all your shows were dubbed over in Greek?

I’m going to close with what I always say when a show I want to see comes on with no captions.

“Apparently, somebody decided that Deaf folk don’t really need to watch [insert name of stupid uncaptioned show HERE].”

The Veteran’s Day Edition

I am a veteran.

I have a hard time writing that.

In January 1992, The GirlBeater decided to sign up for the Army. He wanted to be an airplane mechanic. While we were filling out his paperwork, the recruiter was making small talk and said, “Have you ever considered joining the Army?”

I said, “Actually, yes; there was a time that I talked about traveling with the Army Band.”

“Reeeeeally?” he asked.

An hour later, we were doing my paperwork, witha  promise for a $1500 bonus upon completion of boot camp. I dreamed of going to college on the G.I. Bill and not having to worry about student loans.

I took the ASVAB and we went to MEPS together. The only part I was nervous about was the hearing test. I knew that my hearing was degrading, but as we did the hearing test, I was relieved to realize that they were sending in six people at a time. I watched the girl next to me, and when she pushed the button, I did too.

The GirlBeater went into the job counselor’s office and came out visibly upset and dejected. He had not been approved for the mechanic job. He had to settle for infantryman.

About an hour later, I was put with a job counselor who told me, sure, I was approved for the Army Band pending the audition. But something else had popped up that he thought would be intriguing.

“Your ASVAB score is fantastic and you passed the physical with flying colors. How would you like to be an MP?”

My jaw dropped. Literally.

“Wow.” was all I could say, at first.

I came out of that office walking on air. I shared my good news with The GirlBeater. He was happy for me, but still quite sad about his results.

He went off to boot camp right away, and I wasn’t scheduled for boot camp until September. I was to start my warrior weekends right away, in February.

Somehow I made it through him being gone for boot camp and AIT. I continued my Weekend Warrior routine in Jackson, MI. I was part of the 303rd Military Police Corps, and I was absolutely loving it. I realized that I initially went in mostly for the G.I. Bill and the signing bonus, but I discovered something much deeper than that. I was proud. I was truly proud to be serving my country.

The GirlBeater came home from boot camp and AIT to do his Weekend Warrior bit, and I shipped off to Ft. McClellan, AL for my boot camp and AIT .

Right away, they said that I had to do Fitness Training Company. I was sort of bummed at first, but quickly realized what an advantage I was going to have over the other recruits going straight to boot camp. I was in FTC for five weeks, and then we were moved across the base to boot camp.

I loved my new life. I was quickly made a squad leader, and got a really healthy dose of good self-esteem and confidence. I asked about switching from reserves to active without consulting The GirlBeater.

I was doing great with the physical part of Army life, but I was having a hard time keeping up in class. If I was fortunate, I’d get a good spot up in front of the classroom and be just fine. If I got a spot in the back of the room, I had to rely on other people’s notes to keep up, as I couldn’t understand the instructor’s lecture from back there.

Then I did something that would change the course of my life. I asked one of my drill sergeants if I could move up to the front of the classroom from the back row. She got a puzzled look on her face, and asked why. Nonchalantly as I could, I just told her I could follow the lesson better up there. She said, “Ok, but you’re going to Noble Army Hospital tomorrow morning to see the doctor. If you have an ear infection, I want it cleared up right away.” We were going on our long march in a few days and she wanted to make sure I had meds before I left.

What could I say? Besides, “Yes, Drill Sergeant!”

Nothing.

Long story short, the doctor found my hearing loss within the first 15 minutes of the appointment, and did lots of testing. At the end, he said, “You can’t be an MP with the level of hearing loss you have. You have two choices. One, you let us choose a different job for you. Or two, you go home with a general discharge.”

I didn’t want someone just choosing what I would be doing for the next six years, so I chose door number two. I was crushed. I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried. Two of my drill sergeants did, too.

One week before boot camp graduation, I was Pulled From Training. It only took a couple weeks for the rest of the paperwork to go through and I was home by Thanksgiving.

One good thing that came out that experience was that I found the courage to stand up for myself and confidence that I deserved better than The GirlBeater. I left him January 20, 1993.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am technically a veteran, but I have a hard time saying it. When I think of a veteran, I think of a person that has been in combat or in a police action or similar service. I think of a person that gave their life for their country. I think of a guy in the desert that’s seeing his child for the first time via webcam. Not someone who did seven warrior weekends and about 12 weeks of training.

I am a veteran.

I just wish I could have been a better one.

Now I’m deaf AND I have a goose-egg on my forehead from bashing it on my desk. HAWSUM.

Really. The stupidity amazes me.

Two months ago, after having some sharp pain in my left ear all day, I woke up the next morning deaf in my left ear. I took me and my deaf ear down to the clinic. I had my chart and request for referral to an ENT from my audiologist. After waiting for a couple hours, a doctor said there was no infection and she couldn’t help further because the clinic doesn’t keep an ENT doctor on staff and didn’t have any partnerships with any in town. She said I’d need to fill out an IowaCare application and then they’d get me seen at the U of I audiology department. I got approved and emailed them my new IowaCare number as soon as I got it.

I waited.

And waited.

And guess what else? Waited.

Two months later, I got a call from IowaCare. She requested my chart, which I had already given the clinic and the clinic should have given them, but ok, whatever. I had my audiologist fax it again.

Then?

Waited.

Oh, and more waited. With a side of waited.

Today, the clinic called and said that the U of I doctor said they didn’t need to see me because they could tell what it was. Apparently, they have a magical crystal ball which miraculously enables them to do this. “They know what the problem is. It’s excess noise,” she said, “and they don’t need to see you.”

“Wait, what? They won’t even see me?”

“Yes. But I know of a program to get you hearing aids.”

*bashes head on desk*

“I already have hearing aids.”

“Oh, you do?”

“Yes. The problem is that I’ve had persistent pain and woke up one day deaf in my left ear.”

“Oh. Um. Well, let me do some more research and call you back.”

Four hours later, someone different called me from the clinic. “An ENT at the U of I can see you on 7-6-09. He comes in around 3pm, but call ahead around noon to see if he’ll be there. Make sure you bring your chart from your audiologist.”

“I’ve already given one to the clinic and one to IowaCare, do they mean a new one?”

“Oh.” *shuffles papers* “There isn’t one here.”

“I’ll get another one, I guess.”

“Well, after this appointment, we can get you hearing aids.”

At that point, my head exploded in a grisly mess all over the floor and walls.

“I ALREADY HAVE TWO HEARING AIDS.”

“Oh, you do?”

“Yes. The problem is pain plus complete deafness in my left ear, making the left hearing aid useless.”

“Oh. Well, we’ll see what happens at that appointment then.”

*deep sigh*

The stupidity? It’s sheer length and breadth and depth astonishes me.

This is life without health insurance. Although, it’s probably not that much better for people with insurance, right? I can’t remember; it’s been years since I had any. 

There’s got to be a better way to help out uninsured folks than this IowaCare nonsense. It makes you feel like you’re not worth anything if you don’t have insurance. We don’t qualify for Medicaid because, get this; we make too much money.

Blog Stew #283

Ahhh, so what can I tell you? Besides the fact that I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth???

I’ve been here and there on Facebook and Twitter, keeping up with y’all on my reader, and of course, working lots.

This job… wow. Mah Writing Mojo is in the corner, gagged, and rocking in the fetal position. This job is like, blog fodder heaven, but it’s like you found out you won the state lottery except they tell you later that they’re paying you in bananas. It’s really such a cryin’ shame that I have some sort of ethics that prevent me from tellin’ tales about some of the crazy shit that goes down here. It sucks, I tell ya. Schizophrenics off their meds, drunks, police, crack addicts, anger management issues, psychiatric wings, meltdowns… never a dull moment around here. But I love it. I love this work, and I love the people I’m serving. The only part that is really difficult is when I get off Monday at 7am and be back at 5pm. I should only have to do that for a couple more weeks while I’m covering some 2nd shifts. 

I’m still working on finding some kind of balance to work and home and play. It just seems like I get off work and I’m so damned exhausted, and it takes me so long to recover, then before I know it, it’s time to get right back there again. Mt. Laundry is untouched, and mocks me mercilessly.

I’m still waiting for the powers that be to get me into the U of I hospital to have the audiology department take a look at me. I’m still almost completely deaf in the left ear and have no idea why. I have quite a bit of pain almost every day now. The left hearing aid is basically useless because it isn’t strong enough to help any more. It’s hard sometimes to keep positive when I just want to stomp and yell “IT’S NOT FAIR! IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS QUICKLY!” but, hey, what’re ya gonna do, right?

I’ve managed to get out and take quite a few pictures lately, but haven’t had the time to to upload and share them with you. I’ll try to do it a bit at a time so I don’t do my impression of a kid showing off for company. I’m going to try to get back on Wordless Wednesday and Weekly Winners soon.

I bought a showcase spot on Etsy for tomorrow… I put a couple more listings up. Go on over there and get a username and heart me!

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Oh, after years of being as regular as a Timex, I’m a couple weeks late. So I’m either pre-menopausal or pregnant, neither of which are particularly palatable choices. Now that I’ve said something, it’ll come tomorrow, and I can quit obsessing about it.

Rip it, roll it, and punch it, dude. Peace.