here it is thursday. MW shut us off on monday night. I think I’m upset mostly bcus of the rejection. the other couple times we ended up not speaking it was bcus I had said something like, “should we not interact then?” expecting him to say, “no, we’re fine” and instead he was like, “maybe that’d be best”. but this time, it was his idea. and he said he was gonna tell me on friday but didn’t want to ruin my weekend in michigan. I s’pose that was nice of him, but I’m annoyed by that for some reason. it’s upsetting to see him come and go on my jabber list. i’ve just got to get over that. I have to remember how much simpler my life is going to be to figure out without him in the equation. it’s more fair to tom that he not be in the picture. it’s better for me also to be strong on my own. I don’t need him there for me, but he was nice to rest on. he’s a great listener. but sure not a great talker. all evasive or giving me answers he thinks I want to hear. and if we were together, it wouldn’t take long for him to find someone else to be with. and not only would there be an ex-wife to deal with, but an ex-girlfriend too, who works with him. what the hell was I thinking even getting messed up in that! DUH! I was getting all detached from him, then monday night he had to pull that shit, and we always want what we can’t have. I need to keep working on detaching myself from him. I need to keep reminding myself of “regularly. not quite daily”. That works REALLY well.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

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Last night I got the pics off my camera and my dad’s camera from The Seester’s graduation weekend. Then I watched “Two Weeks Notice” and was asleep by 10. I didn’t go over to Tom’s at all last night, and when I picked up the kids this morning, he seemed mad at me. I can’t do anything about it, so I won’t be bothered by it. Yeah, right.
Current Music: work chatter in the background
Current Mood: discontent

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I had mentioned to Tom last night that “Two Weeks Notice” just came out on DVD and I wanted to pick that up. This morning I went out to my car and found it sitting on the driver’s seat. Must be the DVD fairy visiting me!
Current Music: None
Current Mood: mellow

I can see clearly now… the rain has come…

I ended up leaving work at noon yesterday. I went home, ordered a pizza and watched a movie w/stepbro, J; then took a 3 hour nap. I went over to tom’s and played with the boys. Watched tv w/tom. With all the excitement from the past weekend in Michigan, I got off my meds and my depression too quickly became a little more than I could handle. I guess sometimes you just gotta cry.
By mutual decision, and for its own good, one of my friendships has been halted. I’m so sad about it, but really, it’s just one less thing to complicate my life, I guess. But that had a definate hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
I am so thankful for my friends. At least 2-3 times a day, someone either calls, or stops by my desk, or IM’s; just to say, “are you doing ok?” I’ve been separated from Tom since 02/08/2003; almost 3 months. In some ways, it’s gotten easier. In some ways, it’s gotten harder. I have such a conflict in my heart about what I need to do to be happy. Ooof, that’s too much to think about now. We’ll explore that more later.
Got a letter from the IRS that they’re sending our tax refund to the Iowa Student Aid Commission. Bastards. Tom called them and asked if the IRS would do that, and they said no, since we’ve made 11 good payments, they wouldn’t do that. So now I have to write a letter of appeal to the IRS to get my refund. That was s’posed to be my earnest money to make my bid on that house this week. Rat bastards. That definItely also had a hand in my little breakdown yesterday.
Well, Sparky (my fish here at work) says that it’s time for me to get to work. He’s always been a bit of a spoilsport. But he’s right, I guess.
Further updates as events warrant…. :o)
love… Dory
Current Music: Avril Lavigne
Current Mood: melancholy

Here I Am – For better or for worse remains to be determined

Thanks to sissie for setting me up!

I’m not gonna write much to start out with. Too depressed today. My life makes no stinkin’ sense whatsoever, and I don’t know why I have the nerve to act surprised.

love… Dory
Current Music: work chatter in the background
Current Mood:: depressed