rollin’, rollin’, rollin’….

FINALLY. i’m on my way on my vacation. I think one of the coolest feelings in the world is when you’re walking out of work knowing that you won’t have to return til ??? the girls were outside waiting for me in the ‘stang. and off we go! we threw our stress and tension out the window on the interstate. I thought that after I closed on the house, my stress level would lower considerably. but i’ve found this is not the case. there was/is drama with Fiona. now my car is dead and I am facing actually having a car pymt for the first time in 3 years and I haven’t even made my first house pymt yet. it seems everywhere I turn, there is something to worry about and freek over. what with the house worries, there for a few weeks, I was actually going a couple days at a time w/o even thinking/agonizing over whether I was going to divorce tom or not. now lately I find myself coming back round to that more often. he’s helped me out way beyond the call of duty, but as he explained it to me, if he is considering taking an action to help me, he has to weigh it carefully between if he feels comfortable helping me that much and whether i’ll take an adverse reaction to him saying no. it’s complicated. sissie, I wish you were here close to me. I wish you could see inside my heart. when i’m away from you for a length of time, I start to worry about what you think of me and the decisions I make. I realize it’s all my decisions and my life to live, but I also want you to be like, “i like my sister as a real person, not bcus I kinda hafta bcus she’s my sister.” sometimes I worry that you are leaning toward’s tom’s side. I have other stuff happening in my life that I want to share and i’m scared that you’ll feel that tom has a right to know and tell him. but now there are certain areas of my life that are none of his damn business and I want it that way. his actions put us here in this situation. and don’t worry bout your boys, they are doing fantastic. tom and I are maintaining an odd sort of relationship at this point that is conducive to the boys adapting to this potentially damaging deal. I think we’ve done a good job still presenting a united front, as in “even tho we don’t live together, we’re still mommy and daddy and we’re still going to enforce each other’s parenting decisions and discipline” I had the boys for a week and a half, from 2 weekends ago til last weekend, and i’ll be honest with ya, it was rough. but I pulled it off, and i’ll pull it off again and again. halfway thru the week, I picked up the boys one night and Rocky said, “where are we going?” I said, “we’re going to mommy’s home.” and he said, “i want to go to my real home.” CAL was with me and as I swallowed my tears, she talked with Rocky about it. about how sometimes this was going to be difficult, but how great was it that he had both a mommy and a daddy who love him so much and want him to be happy. *sigh* I haven’t had a full week away from tom yet. what with him coming over to help me out by fixing electrical stuff in my house, and last weekend while Rocky was in michigan with aunt t, I had Dino and tom spent pretty much the whole weekend with me. it was mostly bcus I had no vehicle and we spent saturday running our errands together then sunday he helped me tear down my waterbed and then put it back together on the opposite side of the room. so it’s kinda like this: when I have time away from tom, honestly I don’t miss him much. but when he is around and just leaves for a little bit, I kinda look forward to his return. and ok, i’ll admit it; he’s no slouch in the sack. he’s had 9 years to figger out my buttons. and ooo baby, does he know how to push them. i’ve got other buttons too tho, and he knows how to push them too. sometimes it seems like he pushes them knowing full well how much it upsets me. sometimes infuriates me. i’ve started really really getting to know myself this year, and I like me. I like being on my own. I like making decisions and not having to be questioned or challenged. I make my decisions on my own, and I face the consequences of my actions on my own. without his two cents worth. most of the time. if I decide that I want my marriage to live, that doesn’t mean BOOM he’s back. and there’s so much more that i’ve found that i’m dealing with that is just as important to me as his affair with carrie. he is a difficult man to live with. he’ll be the first to admit it. he loves to argue. I hate it. he loves to talk, he thinks out loud, and I do my best thinking on my own, in my head. i’m easygoing and adaptable to a change in plans. he hates any change in plans and will throw a huge fit against it. sometimes it seems like these differences are almost insurmountable. sometimes it seems like too much to go back to. I don’t know if that’s me recognizing my limits to what I have to tolerate, or me needing to be more patient. how long do I agonize over this??? simply put, i’m not happy sharing my life with him. i’m happy being on my own. i’m hoping that the next 5 days will take some weight off my heart. I have been living with a level of stress this year that would have felled lesser women. but i’m still standing. i’m tired, but i’m still standing. i’m weary, but I can smile. i’ve come to have a newfound thankfulness, gratefulness to my wonderful girlfriends. we women are amazing, aren’t we? except for two days a month, I enjoy being a girl. i’m comfortable in my body, i’m comfortable in my mind. i’m confident in my own skin. I like me. maya angelou wrote a fantastic poem called “phenomenal woman”. it speaks to me. I think i’m learning to be comfortable with my happiness, rather than searching in vain for happiness, and existing in Blah-Land.

Current Music: None
Current Mood: peaceful

And they all lived happily ever after. For the most part.

for anyone who doesn’t know yet – I closed on 07/24/2003 and i’m actually getting settled in now. moving is a severe pain in the ass. you may wonder why it’s been so long since I wrote. well, first of all, every friggin time I wrote “looks like we’re on track now for the house” something would go horribly wrong. so I figgered i’m not jinxing myself anymore! then, second, duh, i’ve spent every spare moment moving so I haven’t had time to write. also, work has been real busy so I haven’t had time to write there either. I probably shouldn’t be taking the time right now to be writing, but I just couldn’t stand it. I have huge drama going on with Fiona, and I can’t even write all about it bcus it would take like two years. i’ll sum it up though… i’m right, she’s wrong, shut up. ‘kay. glad that’s covered. suffice to say at this point, she’s not moving in. but i’m not bitter. LOL

Current Music: haven’t even had time to put in a CD this morning
Current Mood: busy

[no subject]

what a weekend.

friday I had the boys from 5:15 until 10pm. saturday I had them from 10am until 8pm. tom and I got into a fight, I mean an intense discussion regarding how I just pick up and drop off the boys when it’s convenient for me and yadda yadda yadda yadda. let’s just say that didn’t go over well.

yesterday I got finished up my family’s laundry and then picked up mcdonald’s for tom and the kids and then packed for the next 8 hours. I got a lot packed. not too many scuffles with tom over the stuff. he’s understandably depressed.

Bill called today and let me know everything’s on schedule for 07/24 close. *crossing my fingers*

tonight i’m going over to tom’s and packing some more. yee haaaaah.

tomorrow night is marriage counseling. double yeee haaaaaah.

sheesh. feelings suck. that’s all the “public” is gonna get from me today, switching to “private” mode. *blows razzberries atcha*


Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

12 days to close… *crossing fingers*

things aren’t quite so busy at work today, so maybe i’ll have time to write! imagine that!!!

i slept for shit last night. I was in bed by 10, but I stared at the ceiling/walls/off into space until midnight. I have so much on my heart. I wish I could just stop thinking for awhile. a friend told me last night, “you have a deep well of strength you haven’t even tapped into yet.” I hope so. sometimes I feel so strong; seconds later I feel so weak.

I just checked my calendar and Saturday it will be 23 weeks ago I moved out. WOW. there’s 52 weeks in a year. i’ve been gone almost 6 months. WOW.

I’m off to my weekend!!!

Current Music: None
Current Mood: None

Everything Sucks Ass. Thus saieth Dory.

Last night Tom dropped the boys off at McLd and they begged to go back to Grampa PDF’s house. So we went over there and they had a blast. We played Uno and JDJ, KRJ, and Sarah took them outside and played and played and played. I took them back to Tom’s around 9pm and tucked them in and waited for him to come home. He got there around 10:15 and I got up to leave. Somehow we got on the subject of the affair, don’t ask me how, I don’t remember. Oh God, he makes me feel crazy. I know that’s like, not, mentally correct or something. But I don’t know how else to say it. Here’s his main point last nighTom: “You have to take your part of the responsibility for this.” *shakes head* HUH??? “If you hadn’t been depressed and distant, it wouldn’t have happened.” *speechless* “You should have called a doctor.” *still shaking head* “I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I’m not saying you drove me to it.” you’re not? funny, that’s what it sounds like. No. I will not take responsibility for Tom choosing to have an affair. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was sick. I couldn’t reach out. He could see what I was doing – sleeping 12 hours or more a day, not speaking to anyone, remaining distant, not doing anything to participate in life. He could have called a doctor and said he saw these signs and gotten me in. I would have gone. He said “You wouldn’t have gone. You would’ve found an excuse not to go.” I would have gone. He said “I wasn’t near a phone. I was working long hours.” So he never drove by a HandiMart that had a payphone? He said “I didn’t know what to do.” I said, “So you screwed my best friend? That was your solution?” He said, “Ok, I guess I had that coming.” Damn right he did. He made those vows right along with me, to be faithful in sickness and in health. And he broke them. No, I will not take part of the responsibility for Tom having an affair. I won’t. He said, “Maybe this is something to bring up with Duh.” Fine. No problem. He said if I can’t take part of the responsibility and not take any of the blame, maybe we should just end it. Maybe we should. Maybe we shouldn’t even wait the six months we agreed on. If I haven’t been able to forgive him by now, am I ever going to be able to forgive him? This happened 3 years ago, and he confessed it 2 years ago. But the hurt is almost as raw as the day he told me. I told him, “You’ve never looked me in the eyes and said ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’.” He said, “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to cry?” I said, “No. I want to see in your eyes that you acknowledge the amount of pain you’ve caused me.” It seems to me that he’s more concerned with like, keeping his dignity than in keeping me. He showed more remorse when I caught him with the cyber/phone sex than when he told me about the affair.

I gotta get the hell outta here (work). I have to drop off my computer at Corey’s and then I have a 6:30 appt to go thru a house.


Current Music: it’s so quiet here at work after 5pm it’s almost spooky.
Current Mood: aggravated

welcome back from your 3 day weekend – UGH

i had a pretty good holiday weekend. it could have been worse. it could’ve been raining.

went thru another 11 houses this weekend. a couple were mildly interesting, but nothing is speaking to me. well, that’s probably a good thing, right? bcus if houses were speaking to me i’d have a whole nother set of problems! *LOL* so I don’t have much news on the house quest. but maybe I won’t write about a house when I find it bcus i’ve jinxed myself a few times! *LMAO*

for whatever reason, saturday I woke up so depressed I couldn’t stand myself. I got up and tom called and asked me to take the boys so he could run some errands and he dropped them off and for some stupid reason when he was there I just started crying. not like bawling, but like when you’re trying not to cry and those tears are coming no matter what you do. he said, “c’mon – get a tshirt and jeans and come with me then. you need to not be alone.” sometimes when I’m depressed, I can almost handle it fine, but if tom’s around, I end up crying. I think it’s bcus he’s still the person that’s closest to me in a really odd way. i’ve been very distant and he can’t read me very well anymore, but when I’m depressed, he’s really the only person I lose it around. kinda like when something is really really bothering you but you have a good handle on the tears until someone says, “are you ok?” and then you lose it. only he doesn’t have to say anything, all he has to do is look at me, and here come the tears. sometimes that ticks me off bcus I kinda feel like he’s lost that priviledge to console me bcus he hurt me so bad. but on the other hand, I feel better after he’s held me and I’m done crying. it’s frustrating as hell.

saturday night I stayed at CAL’s parent’s house and had a slumber party with her and karen and rachel! what a blast!

yesterday CAL, karen, JDJ, Stepmomster, KRJ and I went shopping in williamsburg. it was a rousing success I think. my mission was to get a few matching bra/undies sets, and boy did I accomplish that mission. it’s so much more fun to shop for bras now that i’ve come down a cup size. I started at leggs/hanes/bali and walked away from there with 5 sets. they’re all absolutely adorable. at rue 21, I got 2 cute little v-neck tops in red and lavender, a tshirt that has a tootsie-roll pop on it and says “how many licks does it take?” *evil grin* and a pair of sweats that are small on top and big in the legs and they say “baby girl” down the side. I just HAD to get those bcus tom calls me that and even on a bad tom day when I could just kill him, if some guy called me that, i’d have to kick ‘im in the jimmy. *LOL* then we went to vanity fair and if I knew that everything was half off half off, I wouldn’t have bought so many undies at leggs/hanes! I got this pair of lee khakis for 5 bucks!!! and 3 more sets! 2 of them were tommy hilfiger sets that would’ve been $35 in von maur or younkers, but I got them for $11! Stepmomster gave me a much deserved guilt trip over spending the money. but what’s done is done. I ended up spending about $150 total and got a shitload of clothes for that; 3 shirts, 2 pants, and 8 sets. nothing like pretty matching undies to pull a girl outta a funk. works like a charm. :o)

today’s gone by pretty quick – thought the day would drag coming back from a 3 day weekend but my orders have gone really well today.

tonight I will have the boys all to myself while tom does a side job :o) oddly enough, I actually feel pretty good today in spite of my frustration with houses. I feel good. I feel strong.

that’s all my news for now…

Current Music: matchbox 20 – their first album
Current Mood: calm

better to have loved and lost… what the… um,heck… ever, man.

within 24 hours I had my dream house then lost it. dammit dammit son of a bitch.

CAL and I are going to do a couple shots of tequila tonight. we’ll drink to the house I loved and lost.

back to square one AGAIN.

IM with Ryan this afternoon:
[15:35] Dory: I lost that house.
[15:35] Ryan: what??? how??
[15:35] Dory: Stepmomster called and said the sale that was pending on it, they were sure it was going to fall apart.
[15:35] Dory: well, it didn’t.
[15:36] Ryan: oh damn – I am so sorry
[15:36] Dory: dammit dammit son of a bitch.
[15:36] Ryan: I agree
[15:37] Dory: amy just said, “this means there’s an even better house out there for ya”

[15:37] Dory: I told her, “then at this rate i’ll end up with a mansion for twenty bucks.”
[15:37] Ryan: lol
[15:37] Ryan: you will find an even better house
[15:37] Dory: *weak grin*
[15:37] Ryan: this one was probably infected with asbestos
[15:38] Dory: and termites
[15:38] Ryan: exactly
[15:38] Dory: and was on an indian burial ground
[15:38] Ryan: exactly
[15:38] Ryan: with lead paint
[15:38] Dory: and toxic waste in the back yard
[15:39] Ryan: oh – I’m sure it does

IM with Dave this afternoon:
[16:28] Dory: I can’t work.
[16:28] Dory: I can’t think straight.
[16:29] Dave: Why? Boys on the brain again?
[16:29] Dory: houses.
[16:30] Dave: Wouldn’t that hurt to have one of those on your head?
[16:30] Dory: :-T
[16:31] Dave: Relax. Be calm, be mellow
[16:31] Dory: I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack.
[16:31] Dave: in with the calm out with the violence
[16:32] Dave: Let us go to your happy place
[16:33] Dory: where I can shoot those assholes who stole my friggin house?!?!
[16:33] Dave: Yes, you can shoot them right in the buttocks
[16:33] Dory: *chuckling*
[16:33] Dave: and then laugh at them
[16:34] Dave: and then have the geese poop on them

Current Music: still at work… but after 5… it’s SO quiet
Current Mood: disappointed