I’m all discombobulated.
Shuddup. That’s totally a word.
This job is such a roller coaster.
Some days I come home and think, my good Lord, I love my job. I can hardly believe how lucky I am to be able to help people and get paid for it.
Some days I come home and think, my good Lord, what the hell am I doing? They could pull a monkey off the street to do my job for free.
Some days I come home (at 8:15am!) and I literally pass my husband on the street; I’m on the way home and he’s on the way to work. And I feel sad.
Some nights I leave at 11:45pm as my husband is getting ready for bed, and all I want in this world is to crawl into bed with him and talk about his day until the conversation peters out and I drape an arm over his chest to feel it slowly rising and falling. And I feel lonely.
Some days (nights!) my husband wakes me up for work and says, I’m sorry, you missed your son’s school play while you were sleeping. He did great. It was unbelievable how amazingly he delivered his lines with just the right inflection. And I cry. Then that son says, I wish you could have been there, Mom. I felt you not there. And I cry some more.
I miss living my life with my husband. I miss my sons.
And I pray yet again, Lord, I want to be back in the real world, sleeping at night and living the day, just like everyone else. Am I missing a lesson here? Are you trying to teach me something that I’m just not getting? Teach me louder, Lord. I’m trying to learn.
But… silence. Nothing.
Some days I cannot bring you the funneh. I just don’t have it in me.