080712_213538.jpgDeep into the night, after the boys have gone to bed (well, to their rooms anyway), after the computers have been shut down, after the doors have been locked, after the quiet reading in bed next to each other has concluded, after the glasses and hearing aids are off, after the lights are out, after the pillowtalk has subsided, comes my favorite part of the night.

There’s a number for how many times I’ve done this over our fifteen-ish years, but I couldn’t possibly guess what it would be.

I put my head on his chest, close my eyes, and listen for his heartbeat.

Only this time… it isn’t there.

I feel his chest rising and falling in a comfortably familiar rhythm, and his pulse beating against my cheek. I inhale deeply and pause my breathing a moment as if that would help, and focus all my concentration on hearing that thub-dub thub-dub thub-dub thub-dub that brings me calm in a way nothing else can.

It doesn’t happen.

I can’t hear it.

But I can feel it.

I can feel his chest rise and fall, his skin pulsing against mine.

But I can’t hear it.

And before I even have time to fully process this unwelcome milestone, then another realization hits.

Someday soon, my best friend will say to me, “I love you.”

I will see his lips moving in the familiar pattern. I will see his love for me, and our past and future, shining in his eyes.

But I won’t hear his voice carrying the most important words he’s ever said to me.

It won’t happen.

I won’t hear it.

But I will feel it.

I will feel his arms around me, his deep sigh of content as we embrace.

I won’t hear it.

But I will feel it.

10 Responses to “Epiphany”
  1. deb ann says:

    Great post!

    It comes my favorite part of the night, too after a long busy day!

    Beautiful written!

  2. Bill says:

    beautiful.
    I like the blog – I ‘ve never visited before.

    (I can relate to Dory)

  3. Andi says:

    Wow. Beautifully written, and you totally made me cry.

    Andis last blog post..I’m a Professional, No Need To Call Child Protective Services

  4. CityGirl says:

    How sweet…you just choked me up!

    You’ll always hear it in your memory, Sister.

    CityGirls last blog post..I Know It Isn’t Friday, BUT….

  5. fatboyfat says:

    Excellent post, beautifully written. As always.

    fatboyfats last blog post..Self awareness

  6. Beautiful!

    Wow, I am blown away.

    {kicks self for not commenting before}

    xoxo

  7. CityGirl says:

    26 May – Where you be, sista? Third shift again? :cry:

    CityGirls last blog post..Head’s Up

  8. Jocelyn says:

    Holy crap. You’ve made me a wreck, love. I don’t know what to say, outside of “keep enjoying the feel of his skin.”

    Jocelyns last blog post..

  9. Just wow, little Dory.

    Deb on the Rockss last blog post..All Meta in the Hizzie

  10.  
%d bloggers like this: