But oddly enough, I can’t even muster a tear for my beer.

The Crazy has taken over. I’m just so literally tired of being cheery and positive. I’m hoping if I simply fart a little bit, The Crazy will go back into its creepy, smelly, bat-infested cave where it belongs and hibernate for a while.

I have been struggling so hard with depression. I am a worthless, jobless, pus-filled sucking wound on society. And either I am going to get a job and lose it because I will do something incredibly stupid, or I’m going to do the freelance thing and embarrassingly crash and burn because I will do something incredibly stupid. And either way, I’m taking my family down with me, because they are innocent hostages in my little kamikaze mission.

I have been struggling so hard with DOOM. I have actually not left my house for very necessary errands because I have this idiotic, convincing, insistent notion that if I do, I’m going to be in a car accident or lightning will strike me or a Schwan’s truck will mow me down. I know this is Crazy, but you are not going to talk me out of it. I’m not scared of dying. I’m scared of pain. I’ll have the Terrible Horrible Sense of Impending Doom with a Side of Certainty, please.

I’m also fairly sure that when they test my hearing for the new aids, the audiologist is going to look up at me with a pained expression on her face and say, “I’m sorry, there must have been some kind of mistake. You’re not hard of hearing. You’re incredibly stupid. Your whole life long your inability to comprehend large chunks of conversation and instruction is due to the fact that you have some sort of brain damage or mental retardation. Either that or your ADD is so severe, you can’t focus on language being directed at you for any longer than 1.5 seconds. Actually, I’m pretty sure that it’s simply that you are heinously stupid. Sorry, we can’t help you with that.” I am seriously not kidding.

I’m also pretty sure that all my friends are going to give up on me since I’m such a Chorey McCrazy Chore.

Shit, it didn’t work. Shot that theory all to hell.

But everybody knows you can never trust a fart.

*inappropriately giggling*