Tom and I started a new class at church on Wednesday nights. I?m really enjoying it.
I started in therapy with Karen in? let?s see? 1997. I think I went to her until? ummm? it was before I was pregnant with Dino, so until 10-1998 at the very latest. Then I went to Hildaborg from around fall 2001 until fall 2002, and she moved back to Norway. She referred me to Heddy. I saw her until summer 2003. Now I have a new therapist. His name is Paul. He feels like an uncle type guy. And he?s the first/only therapist that I?ve been totally honest with. I used to answer the other therapists? questions with what I thought they wanted to hear sometimes. It was just easier than dealing with icky feelings. Now it seems like Paul has all the pieces of the equation. I told him that last time I was there and he just smiled. He started out where every good therapist starts ? family and childhood. At one point, I said, ?As I was growing up, I felt like a burden to my household. I can?t really remember ever being happy. We didn?t communicate. If Mom was mad at me for not helping her with dinner, she wouldn?t say, ?I?m upset that you didn?t help me with dinner?, she would lash out at something else totally different. I felt like I couldn?t be who I wanted to be. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at all times.? Paul said, ?That must have felt miserable!? I just nodded. But just that small acknowledgement of how crappy I felt growing up made me feel a little different about it. Instead of feeling bitter about it, now I feel a sadness. I?m hoping the next step is to feel a quietness. He asks me some really hard questions, and I answer them as honestly as I can. He does have this disconcerting habit of being really silent after I finish talking. My first instinct is to keep talking to fill that silence. But now I finish the thought and I look back at him and we stare at each other for about 20 seconds (do you know how loooooong 20 seconds of complete silence coupled with a staredown is???) and then he asks me something else or offers a response to that. But I feel like I?m getting so much more out of therapy. When I was going to Heddy, I felt like I?d just vent for 45 minutes and pay her on the way out. I?d rather hand $100 to a girlfriend for just sitting there and listening! For pete?s sake, make me work for it! LOL!
Ok ? I gotta go ? Greggie says it?s time to smoke before class starts at 1!
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