right after I wrote that last entry, tom read it. and then he said, “i emailed MW.” my jaw dropped. all I could say is “whaaaaaat?” he said that when he got into my hotmail account and found out about me and jamie, he also looked up MW’s email address. he said he wasn’t sure exactly when he did this, but it had to be then, because right after he found out about jamie, I changed the password to my hotmail account. he said that he emailed MW and asked him what would donna think and what would bobbie think if they knew about me. he also asked what would his kids think if they knew that he left their mother to get laid. he said that MW replied and thought it was me. he dodged all the questions tom posed and was arrogant and condescending. so tom emailed him back to say he hadn’t really answered any of his questions. then MW must have complained to hotmail, because the next time tom went in to check for a response, his hotmail account had been brought down. so I haven’t read any of the emails exchanged between tom and MW. I don’t know what to feel about this. I am upset that tom went into my hotmail account without my permission, but we’ve already discussed that. perhaps I should be upset that tom asked him those questions and more, but i’ve wanted to ask MW some of the very same things. I think that maybe I don’t miss MW; I miss the way MW and I should have been. I have to wonder why I would still want to be friends with MW now that I realize his primary goal was to nail me. the fact that I wanted to spend time with him fed his ego. I can see from his perspective, that would be hard to leave. it was hard to give up the attention that he gave me. but out of necessity, I did. did I love him? in a way. not a “i want to share a life with you forever” kind of way, but definItely a “i would certainly hate to see bad things happen to you” kind of way, even in a “i want to see you even though it’s a really bad idea” kind of way.
bordering on a “this is really destructive to me but i’m determined to do it anyway” kind of way.
it’s like he was a drug and I was an addict. hmmmmm.
i’m just not happy. i’m not content. I want more out of my life. more than sick kids and staying home every night unless I pay a babysitter a small fortune for the priviledge of leaving for a few hours and fretting the whole time about the small fortune i’m paying for a babysitter. I know being happy is a choice, but how can I choose to be happy with what feels so frustrating to me? tom told me on saturday I needed to get out, so I went over to KQJ’s and played cranium and watched movies with Fiona, Nanner, jamie, and brian. that was fun! I really laughed for the first time in several days. like “oh my gosh my cheeks hurt” kind of laughing.
stop the world. I want to get off.
Current Music: None
Current Mood: cranky