Rocky’s spring program was last night… *wipes away a tear* My baby’s first spring program! Of course it was just unbearably cute!
Afterwards, we (tom, me, boys) went to Perkins for supper. I talked to Tom on a deeper level than I should have and ended up feeling ooogie. Completely by habit, I told him about something important that had happened to me and regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. It would have ended up being okay, but then we discussed it further. Would have been much easier if he’d just nodded and listened, and in fact if he wanted to be devious, he could have just listened and let me put my foot in my mouth and used it against me later. Who knows, maybe he will anyway. Then he’s like, “Well, now that I’ve done irreparable damage, I’m going to shut up.” I didn’t say anything to that. I was too busy mentally kicking myself for sharing too much. I need to just shut up.
Offered to have him get out of the house tonight. He said, “I don’t have a life. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anyone to go with.” Well, dammit, I do. I mentioned a few people and he shot it all down. “He’s married. He’s working. They’re just going to go get drunk.” Maybe HE needs to just go get drunk. Okay, so he isn’t interested in getting out of the house. But if I am, then he will use that against me later. “You just go out with your friends while I’m stuck at home with the kids.” Well, dammit, I offered, and he declined. To me, that revokes his bitching rights.
My biggest conflict in my life right now is this: I do not want to hurt Tom. I want to be happy. BUT far as I can see, if I am happy, then Tom will be hurt. BUT (AGAIN)… My life, right now, is not reality. I am so anxious to get into my own place, bcus that will show me reality of life on my own, not seeing Tom every day, only having my boys 50% of the time, managing my own finances (broke broke broke), etc. Then I can honestly be better equipped to make the decision of whether or not I want to share my life with Tom again. I will be able to compare life on my own, to life with Tom, and say to myself, “Where do I find happiness?”
I’m in limbo now. It sucks, but it has its perks.
Just talked to Tom on the phone and he asked what I was doing tonight. I said I didn’t know yet. He said that if I didn’t find anything to do, then he’d like to try to find something to do. Which puts the ball right back in my court. So it can be my fault later when we get in an argument. People areound here (work) don’t start talking about what they’re doing after work until late afternoon, so I don’t even know if any of my friends are going out yet. Ppplllbbbttttttttttt.
Current Music: Lifehouse – Hanging by a moment
Current Mood: contemplative